Saturday, September 8, 2018

Saturday, September 8, 2018 -- Mattie died 9 years ago today. 

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2005. Mattie was about three years old and was sporting his Easter sunglasses. This was a spontaneous moment and I am so glad Peter captured it. You can see the joy and happiness on Mattie's face. 



Quote of the day by Bernard Shaw

I took an acorn and put it in a pot.
I then covered it with earth, not a lot.
Great pleasure was mine watching it grow.
The first budding green came ever so slow.
I watered my plant twice a week
I knew I would transplant it down by the creek.
One day it will be a giant oak, 
To shield me from the sun a sheltering cloak.
Lovers will carve their initials in the bark, 
An arrow through a heart they will leave their mark.
It will shelter those caught in a fine summers rain, 
Under its leafy bows joy will be again. 
Creatures of the wilds will claim it for their own, 
Squirrels will reside here in their own home.
Birds will build nests and raise their young, 
They will sing melodies a chorus well sung.
Under it’s branches grass will grow, 
Here and there a wild flower it’s head will show.
My oak tree for hundreds of years will live.
Perhaps the most important thing I had to give.

On this 9th Anniversary of Mattie's death, I can safely say that it doesn't get easier and NO...... TIME DOESN'T HEAL ALL WOUNDS. As I always say, "the psychosocial issues DO NOT end when the treatment does!" This is not just a cute sentiment but instead a powerful message that cuts through the heart of the matter. Things do not return to normal once treatment is over and if your child died from cancer, you live with profound psychosocial issues that you may not talk about nor may others see or notice, but they are there and they forever affect how you see, interact, and feel about life and the future.

It is hard to wrap my head around the fact that Mattie has been gone more years now than he was alive. I will never forgot the day we learned that Mattie's cancer metastasized. He literally jumped into my lap and wanted to hear the story about the day he was born. He LOVED hearing that story, since Mattie literally kicked his way into the world. To know Mattie was to love him. His teacher once described him to me as "an old soul!" She was absolutely right! Somehow Mattie knew he had to live life to the fullest, because he wasn't going to be with us long.

We miss him today, and EVERYDAY. I am still not certain what gets me out of bed each day, but one thing I am certain of and that is my mission is to share Mattie with others, to keep his memory alive, and to make sure the world knows CHILDHOOD CANCER IS NOT JUST ABOUT THE MEDICINE!

TEN MATTIE FACTS:

1) Mattie was born after 24 hours of labor, by c-section.

2) Mattie was a baby who did not like to nap or sleep.

3) Mattie was a late talker and walker.

4) Mattie never crawled but actually wanted to skip that step and move to running.

5) Mattie had a sense of humor! Right from day one. When he was about six months old, I called his doctor in a panic because I thought he wasn't breathing. The doctor and I later deduced Mattie was laughing (probably from watching me freak out) so hard that it looked like he was struggling for air.

6) At age two, Mattie could disassemble his hot wheel cars with a screwdriver and PUT THEM BACK TOGETHER AGAIN.

7) Mattie LOVED anything that moved.... cars, trains, planes, trucks, etc.

8) He was the KING OF THE LEGOs, in fact during his 14 month cancer battle, he built every LEGO set on the market.

9) Mattie LOVED the phrases "apparently" and "let's talk about it." He used them all the time.

10) I wasn't called mom, but instead was known as "UNA MOON." Very telling, as Mattie was called "Mattie Moon" in preschool!

Yesterday we found out that Mattie's school was going to plant a fourth memorial tree (the previous three either died or had issues) for him today. Tim, the arborist, encouraged me to "branch" out and invite friends and family for a tree ceremony. As the hope was to give this tree good karma.


Peter and I tend to isolate ourselves on such milestone days based on our previous experiences. But we decided to try it again, especially since Tim drove about 120 miles to hand pick Mattie's tree for us. A beautiful Swamp White Oak!!!

Tim told us that in his 30+ years of planting trees, he has only seen three trees with a live orioles nest in it. Mattie's tree was his third. We view this as a sign. Also when we began filling in the dirt around the tree, a frog jumped out at us. Another Mattie sign. But as Tim said..... Mattie wanted an OAK tree, and wasn't going to be happy with us until we selected the right tree. We have been planting everything but an oak at his school. So we hope Mattie approves today's endeavor and whenever I see acorns around this tree, I will be thinking of Mattie. A boy who loved collecting and giving acorns as gifts.

What I want you to take note of are the friends around Mattie's tree. Literally I sent out ONE text message yesterday to our core Team Mattie, and look what it generated...... a crowd. Our friends have been on this journey with us for ten years! Peter and I are overwhelmed by today's showing, caring, and love.

Certainly we would prefer to NOT need a memorial tree, but being surrounded by friends today and then having lunch with them eased the blow of this horrible day.

Pictured here are children who went either to preschool or kindergarten with Mattie. It was so special to have them all with us today. 

Left to right: Sara Catherine, Abby, Ellie, Emily, Tim, Campbell, Livi, and Gavin