Monday, March 31, 2025

Monday, March 31, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2007. That spring break we took Mattie to Key West, Florida. Mattie took to sunshine and outdoor activities like a duck to water. Mattie was fascinated by this traveler's palm. So we snapped a photo of him with it, to always remind Mattie of his Key West adventure. I honestly never thought that these photos were going to be Mattie's legacy items, and the only things I would have left of him. At that moment in time, I really thought we would have a lifetime together. I would never have guessed that I would have landed up like I am now..... a bereaved, divorced mother. 

Quote of the day: We don't even know how strong we are until we are forced to bring that hidden strength forward. ~ Isabel Allende

We had an early start today. My dad did not go to his memory care program, because both of my parent's had appointments to see their rehabilitation medicine doctor. This doctor came into our lives in 2022, when my dad had pacemaker surgery. That surgery landed my dad in the hospital for a week. In one week's time, my dad had trouble getting out of bed, walking, and functioning independently. I will never forget how hard I advocated for him to go to the hospital's acute rehab program rather than be placed in a nursing home. A nursing home would be the beginning of the end for my father. It was in that acute rehab program that we met the doctor we saw today. Both of my parents see this physician every four months. 

Each time this doctor meets with my parent's, he asks how I am doing! As he is abundantly aware of my intensive caregiving routine. There is no point in sharing the complexity of my life with this doctor, because it isn't something one can convey in a few minutes. In any case, this physician enables my parents to get in-home physical therapy throughout the year, which for my parents is crucial. As there really is no benefit for them going to an outpatient program. They both have memory issues and schlepping them to the hospital only provides more stress for all of us. I am also very cognizant of my parent's decline in energy level. 

In addition to the doctor visit, I went to the Foundation's post office box, and then to visit Mattie's memorial tree. I try to visit Mattie's tree, which is located at his elementary school, on birthdays, holidays and other milestone moments. It has become my tradition, almost like when people visit a cemetery. 

When we got to Mattie's school, there were no cars or students on the playground. It was truly perfect for me, clearly the school was out on break. It gave me time to be with the trees, clean up Mattie's main tree, and decorate it. 

I took a photo like this, because Mattie literally has three memorial trees on campus (all in a row). Not on purpose, but because one after the other either died or got injured. So more were planted. Literally the first tree planted died. It was an red oak and got some sort of plight infection. Then the second tree was planted in its place. It is a tree with issues and to this day, I call it the Charlie Brown tree (because it looks pathetic). So then a third tree was planted, a yellowwood tree. That tree got hit with lightning, and it split. I did not like the symbolism of a damaged tree, so the fourth and final tree..... a white swamp oak was planted in 2018. So if you are following, there were four trees planted (from 2010-2018), one officially died, therefore, there are THREE trees still alive and standing. That is why I call it Mattie's grove.

This is the fourth and final tree. The school just placed a new memorial plaque by the tree as the last one got damaged. When this tree was planted seven years ago, it was so much smaller. 

See below..................................

Planting day on September 8, 2018 (on the 9th anniversary of Mattie's death)! Tim, the arborist (in the front kneeling with a green shirt), planted all four of Mattie's trees. He felt that this fourth tree needed positive energy to make this one a success! Therefore he suggested I invite friends to gather around the tree. Tim gave me one day's notice. So the day before planting day, I text messaged friends! See how many friends showed up! These are all the amazing people Mattie connected us to and who remain a part of our lives!

I have been told that kindergarteners call Mattie's tree the twinkling tree! Why? Because it has many shiny ornaments hanging from it. Over the years, we have hung awareness ribbons, toy cars, sunflower ornaments, ornaments with photos, and today I hung butterfly ornaments! The children are correct.... the tree does twinkle!

Mattie's memorial plaque. 

This is the yellowwood tree, in other words tree#3. If you look at the ribbon closely, you will see that the trunk of the tree is split. Split from lightning years ago. Yet this tree is a fighter! Though I no longer decorate it, I always tie a ribbon around it. You will also notice that we planted daffodils around the tree years ago!

It is hard to believe that on Friday, Mattie would have turned 23 years old. I do not know how that is possible and I can't wrap my head around the mere fact that he has been gone longer than he was alive. I face life surrounded by countless losses, and naturally I am not sure I will ever get over the fact that I now visit this tree without my husband. That I am carrying Mattie's life, legacy, and memory alone. All I can say is Mattie is alive and well with me. I hope he continues to walk this journey with me, and that he sends me signs of hope, strength, and love.