Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2005, during Mattie's third birthday party. That year, I hired a student of mine from the University to do magic tricks and balloon animals at the party. He even brought his pet bunny, Hobbs, to the party. Needless to say the magic and the balloons made the event fun, festive, and memorable!
Quote of the day: There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief. ~ Aeschylus
Today was not a good day. How could it be, as it was Mattie's 23rd birthday! With each year that goes by, fewer and fewer people remember Mattie's day or the fact that this could be a challenging milestone for me. I am grateful for those who still remember. I recall in the early years after Mattie died, we truly did not know how to "celebrate" (and I use that term celebrate VERY loosely) the day! So we started a tradition in which each April, we went away to Florida. We figured getting away would take the sadness and anxiety off of knowing that there were no celebrations, no parties, no big to-dos. After all, I would say our care community had NO IDEA how to help us or how to acknowledge the day. So instead of being disappointed or upset, we removed ourselves from the scene! No matter what my husband and I had each other!
On top of not knowing how to celebrate Mattie's birthday, I no longer have my husband by my side. The other half of my equation. It makes the loss even more profound, if that is even possible. Yet I am abundantly aware of the fact that I am the only one now in the equation sitting with this loss, trying to keep Mattie's legacy and memory alive, and honoring his life. I assure you that this combination of losses is bordering on deadly.
I am not sure what I was thinking, but I scheduled an HVAC tune up and inspection for today. I truly thought it would be a simple process, an hour or two at most, and then I could take my mom out for tea. FORGET IT. If something is going to go wrong, trust me, it will happen to me. I got up at 5:30am, in order to make this appointment happen. I was given an arrival window between 8am and noon. At 9am, I called to get an update on timing, and the person on the phone said I was mistaken. That my appointment window was noon until 4pm! That woman had no idea what hit her! I gave it to her because my time is as valuable as anyone else's and you can't change times on me. By the time I finished with her, I had a tech arrive at my home at 10:30am. Thankfully Paul came at that hour, because you want to know what time he left? Try 6pm! It was a very frustrating day, and by noon, my mom was ready to go out! I had to juggle her expectations and make her lunch at home.
My house has three furnaces and AC blowers. At this point, it is three too many to manage. When I selected this house, I picked it because my husband was working, had a great job, and this was supposed to be a new chapter in our lives. But now that he is gone, I am carrying this entire house, and it is a large responsibility. Of which he gives little concern for me or what I am balancing. As if I no longer exist. Poof, I have disappeared!
Turns out there are many things wrong with each furnace/AC unit. One unit had its motor burn out. It is ironic that I never realized that the heat wasn't actually blowing onto the first floor. I chalk it up to juggling way too many things. Literally when the tech told me I needed a new motor, I literally almost flipped out! As I haven't budgeted for this and I hate surprises. If it was just a motor, that would be bad enough. But there are several other problems. Today, I only addressed the motor, as my parents need heat, and eventually we will need air conditioning on the main level.
With each hour I was stuck at home today, the more pent up, frustrated, angry, and upset I got. I literally was walking around talking to myself! When things got too much for me, I went outside to pull weeds and sweep up magnolia blossoms. I am not sure what I am more upset about..... having to face Mattie's 23rd birthday without him, having to face Mattie's birthday without my husband, or knowing that I was in a 35 year relationship and the person I thought I was married to doesn't give one ounce of interest in my well-being or welfare. Add it all up, and it makes for a very bad concoction.
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