Tonight's picture was taken in January of 2009. Mattie was home between hospital visits. As Mattie was recovering from his limb salvaging surgeries, he was spending a lot of time in our living room and we had everything there.... a hospital bed, an IV pole, and a commode. Mattie used our living room to create this Christmas village, which included a little tree that he got from his child life specialist (I still have this tree!), a train track, trains, lights, and even the Empire State building (erector set) made the village scene! My point to showing you this is that Mattie's creativity and joy of living shone through even under the most dire of circumstances. He will always be my inspiration!
Quote of the day: When I was young I didn't understand, but now, I know, how absence can be present, like a damaged nerve, like a dark bird. ~ Audrey Niffenegger
On Thursday, I took my dad to his podiatry appointment. He sees this doctor every 90 days. I have had a run in with this doctor once before, as one of her assistants landed up going to medical school. This stunned me given that her assistant never made eye contact and seemed scattered. The doctor and I discussed her assistant months ago and we agreed to disagree because I felt being able to communicate effectively with patients should be a requirement of any good doctor! However, at this week's appointment, the podiatrist asked me about my dad's recent hospitalization in December. I explained that I observed my dad acting more confused, disoriented, and unstable on his feet and took him to the emergency room. My dad was admitted to the hospital for a week with a brain bleed. I wasn't expecting much of a response from the podiatrist, but she stopped, looked at me and said.... you were smart to take your dad to the hospital. Most family members wouldn't have.... they would have ignored the symptoms. Truly her kind feedback caught me off guard, but then I thanked her for acknowledging the good care that I provide my dad. As a family caregiver, there are no kudos, no perks, no benefits, and very little positive feedback. Instead, we have to be guided by our own internal compass and values. Which is why I think caregiving for a loved one is probably one of the hardest and most selfless roles we can provide to another human being.
That was Thursday, and on Friday, I took my mom out for tea. While talking to the cafe's manager, he started telling me about his 12 day vacation coming up. He has planned a trip with his girlfriend and in chatting, he said, that he wished me a 12 day vacation! He witnesses the care I provide my mom and knows that I am a full-time caregiver, but what he did not realize is that I have been doing this for four years. Straight! No breaks, no vacations, and with no help. It is hard to believe that the last vacation I went on was in 2021. My life looked so different then, as I was married, and we had just bought this house, and I thought we were starting a new chapter together. Of course another thing this manager doesn't know is that caregiving for my parents is only a very small part of my existence and he has no idea of the trauma of child loss and divorce. When you put all of these issues together, it truly makes for a difficult existence.
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