Friday, March 29, 2013

Friday, March 29, 2013

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2003, during Mattie's first birthday party. Starting last night, I decided to feature a birthday photo of Mattie (in chronological order) for the next week! Which will bring us to Mattie's 11th birthday on April 4th. Mattie's first birthday party theme was ELMO! Mattie was never a couch potato, nor was he ever glued to the TV or any other device for that matter. Mattie was a creatively active child from day one. However, if Sesame Street was on TV, and Mattie heard ELMO, he would stop whatever he was doing and stare at the TV. ELMO captured Mattie's attention. I am not sure if it was ELMO's voice or color, but it was clear that ELMO meant something to Mattie. Therefore when selecting a birthday theme, I picked something that clearly Mattie loved.

Quote of the day: When love dies, the heart's ashes do not leave on the wind—they rest on the mantelpiece of the soul, darkening the sunrise we once saw to be beautiful. ~ A.M. Hudson

Last night there was a beautiful FULL moon sitting right over the ocean. Peter went outside and captured some wonderful photos of Mattie Moon. You may think there is some sort of haziness or blur to this photo. However, what Peter was able to capture besides the moon, was a beautiful moon beam. I have heard of moon beams but not until last night had I ever seen one.

I had a difficult night of sleep and woke up with just as an intense headache as I went to bed with. I have had an excruciating headache for over two weeks straight. It is beyond pain, it is debilitating. Peter has me on a three day NO work schedule. If he sees me working or even focusing on work, he remedies the situation. This morning, though it was cold out, the sun was glorious. So we sat outside on the deck. It maybe March, but Peter's skin burns easily, so he was all covered up. I thought this look was so funny, I snapped a photo of him! Notice the Boston Red Sox blanket! Mattie was given this blanket when he was battling cancer and it is one of many that I still have and we use.

While sitting on the deck, this is the view of the Atlantic Ocean that we can see. I think the highlight of my day was just sitting still, listening to the birds and ocean, and spending time with Peter chatting. We carry a lot of sadness around with us and when I stop moving and working, this is usually when I begin to cry. It doesn't take much to set me off, especially when I have such intense head pain. Such pain is frightening because the greatest fear is when or if it will end? Before we left Washington, DC, Peter said something to me that caught my attention. We focus on helping people daily in both our personal and professional lives and all of this helping is draining. Yet both of us have so much that we are working through individually and with each other. So his point was we need to get away and have these moments to make sure we are okay as people and as a couple. My joke with Peter is that he missed his calling as a therapist! His insights are usually spot on. I am hoping a weekend of not working on anything Foundation related restores some sort of balance in my life and body.
 

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Thursday, March 28, 2013

Tonight's picture was taken on April 4, 2002, the day Mattie was born. Mattie was born at 12:53 am, and as Peter says, I was OUT OF IT. I had a hard labor and delivery, almost 48 hours long, with an 102 fever, and my first migraine. In addition, during an emergency C-section, a grapefruit size tumor was found on my bladder. So as Mattie made his way to the nursery, I underwent surgery. Peter stayed with Mattie the whole time and took this beautiful picture of Mattie greeting the world in the nursery. Mattie was born VERY alert. Mattie LOVED hearing me tell his birth story to him, and on April 4th, I will share this story once again with my readers. The last time I retold this story to Mattie was on August 5, 2009, the day we found out his cancer case was terminal. Mattie and I were sitting in the hospital garden, and out of the blue, he wanted to sit in my lap and hear his birth story once again! I remember that moment in time like it were yesterday. He knew something was gravely wrong before all of us. Hearing the story that day made us briefly forget the horror that was before us.


Quote of the day: If a mother is mourning not for what she has lost but for what her dead child has lost, it is a comfort to believe that the child has not lost the end for which it was created. And it is a comfort to believe that she herself, in losing her chief or only natural happiness, has not lost a greater thing. The specifically maternal happiness must be written off. Never, in any place or time, will she have her son on her knees, or bathe him, or tell him a story, or plan for his future, or see her grandchild. ~  C.S. Lewis

Today Peter and I drove to Delaware. It took us about two hours. I know I was sitting next to Peter, but I was mentally out of it. We had the radio on the whole time, and listened to various broadcasts. I had trouble even concentrating on what the person was talking about on the radio. Which registers how tired I am. As we were crossing the Bay Bridge, I got out my camera to start taking pictures. 

While on the bridge, I snapped a picture of these tankers on Chesapeake Bay. It was a cold day in the 40's and rather grey. Yet despite the weather, the sea birds are a wonderful sight to see. 

Maybe because I live in the city, but I am fascinated with farms and farming trucks, like this Fertilizer. This big green thing was driving right next to us, and all I could imagine was if Mattie was with us he would be screaming with excitement in the back seat. I had absolutely NO interest in trucks, cars, trains, or planes before Mattie came into my life. But Mattie gravitated to anything with wheels and therefore I too got an education about the different trucks and forms of locomotion. Mattie may no longer be with me physically, but his excitement over seeing such vehicles lives on in me. 

Peter passed this farm rather quickly, but I tried snapping a photo of it anyway. Those of you who know me well, know I LOVE cows. Particularly Holstein cows. Their black and white patterns just capture my attention. Peter is always perplexed with my love of cows, and today as we were passing fields, farms, and cows, all I could smell was manure! So now I get why Peter was perplexed! 

On the car trip to the beach, there seems to be miles and miles of farms. As far as the eye can see. When we got to our friend Ellen's house, the ocean looked very grey. As the sky changed throughout the afternoon, the color of the water was also transforming. Though it was too cold in my book to walk along the water, I could see it, and that alone is a special sighting!

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

Tonight's picture was taken on Easter of 2006. We took Mattie out to his favorite restaurant for Easter Brunch. What we weren't expecting was a visit from the Easter Bunny. When this large bunny first approached our table, Mattie was scared. However he was braver than I was at his age, because I would have dove right under the table to hide. Mattie did pose with the bunny and this has to be one of my favorite Easter pictures of Mattie. I think what I love about it is that it just happened. None of us planned it, and yet this photo captures a very special moment in time!


Quote of the day: There is something about the presence of a cat...that seems to take the bite out of being alone. ~ Louis Camuti


Tonight's quote resonates with me. Patches, in her own furry way managed to fill up our home. Her presence made us feel connected to something and she was an important part of our family unit. When I go up and down the stairs now, I find I am still looking for her. When I am putting laundry away, I am expecting a meowing commentary, and most definitely when my feet touch the floor in the morning, I am expecting her to shuttle me downstairs for a treat. Of course none of this is happening anymore! All week, while making the bed, I find I am singing (it is a spontaneous song, I am not thinking about it).... I've grown accustomed to her face! That may not mean much to my readers, unless you are a "My Fair Lady" affectionado, like myself. I have gotten so used to Patches routines, that not having her around, causes a cascade of emotions, feelings, and thoughts. She is missed, and not having my day time buddy, co-worker, and companion around makes for a very lonely existence.

I did all sorts of chores today to get ready to leave tomorrow for Delaware. Before I returned home, I went to visit my friend Mary, who lives in an assisted living facility. Earlier in the week, I brought Mary a miniature pink rose for Easter and a few weeks ago, I planted an amaryllis bulb in a flower pot in her room. We are watching these living things grow together, which in my opinion such greenery is crucial to have around you when living in an institution.

Mary was completely mute today, but she is able to blink. So when I ask her questions now I have her blink once for yes and two for no. It seems to be working. Mary loves to hold tissues in her right hand, but today she dropped the tissues and extended her hand. So literally I grabbed her hand and held it for quite some time until her dinner arrived. I think a lot can be conveyed through one's eyes and the touch of one's hand. While holding Mary's hand, I began to massage her hand. What surprised me is that Mary's index finger was rubbing my hand back in the process. It was very touching.

Tonight's picture was taken in September of 2006. You can see Patches on our staircase but also featured was Mattie, along with the play scheme he devised. Mattie decided to put the cat's toy on the staircase and try to coax her to play with it and him. I am not sure how successful this venture turned out to be but it occupied Mattie's attention and he was definitely determined. I will never forget Patches loyalty and good nature toward Mattie! 

 

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Tuesday, March 26, 2013 -- Mattie died 185 weeks ago today.


Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2006. I took Mattie to the Reston Zoo that day and as you can see the Zoo was ready for Easter. Mattie loved the thrill of hunting for eggs, however, as my faithful readers know, Mattie disliked candy and most sweets. On this particular issue, the apple fell VERY far from the tree. The funny part about Mattie was he would collect candy and give it all to me. Most parents give candy to their children, in my case it was the exact opposite!!! Sometimes I just had to laugh over Mattie's choices and preferences.



Quote of the day: Cats are dangerous companions for writers because cat watching is a near-perfect method of writing avoidance. ~ Dan Greenburg

I began my day back at Virginia Hospital Center. I feel like I might as well set up a tent at a hospital! This morning I went to see my internist because I couldn't take the headache pain ANY longer. I could have seen my neurologist, but I have to be in the mood for his attitude. Which is why my nickname for him is "Mr. Personality." I had a horrible night of sleep, and between that and intense pain, I told my doctor I was ready to put a screw threw my head just to get rid of the pressure.

Based on the seasonal time of year, we both arrived at the conclusion that my daily headaches could be worse because of a sinus infection. Thank goodness there is an explanation for this. So I am hoping that antibiotics help my head pain. After my doctor's visit and trip to the pharmacy, my goal was to run a few more chores and then try to have a relatively stress free day. FUNNY! That did not happen.

I went to Virginia today to pick up our Foundation mail. When I returned to my car in an outdoor parking lot, I found a couple looking, pointing, and staring at my car. When I got closer, they asked if that was my car. When I said it was, they had me come to the front passenger side. What I saw was horrible..... it was like Niagara Falls coming out of my car, and the fluid was pink to a light red color. It literally looked like the car was bleeding. When I saw this, I was NOT happy. Especially since we just had the car serviced last week!

Upon reflection I had two blessings happen to me today. The first was that this couple saw this flood and told me about it. Because I later learned that an O ring exploded and all my coolant burst out of the car. If I had driven the car, I could have done great damage to the engine. So while I wasn't in the mood to deal with this, they could have potentially saved my life. Because if I drove on the highway, the car dealer told Peter, the car wouldn't have made it far!

Because I am tired and not feeling well, my brain wasn't functioning today. Literally I couldn't even think through what to do with this pink pooling car. So I called Peter and we came up with a plan. So thankfully AAA came to my car's rescue, and my second blessing is my friend Tina came to mine.

Tina sat with me while I waited for AAA and then after this was all over, she drove me back home to DC. Mind you she is getting ready to take her children on spring break tomorrow, yet found time to help me. This means a lot to me, especially when I am not feeling well. Tina always makes me feel connected to something and always includes me in her plans. In fact, she is the first mom friend I made after Mattie's death. We are not bound by ties between our children, but instead through our own mutual interests, preferences, and care.

This afternoon, I wanted to do laundry, so that when I get home from our time away I won't have additional things to clean. While I was in our complex's laundry room, I met one of my neighbors who lives above me. She wanted me to know how much she LOVES our garden and can't wait to see what we put together this spring. She truly feels our garden makes a difference in her life and in those around us. I love my secret garden and I am happy my neighbors above us appreciate it too. Somehow her comment just made me smile, feel appreciated, and special. It is nice to know that what Peter and I do in our garden brings joy to others.  

I end tonight's posting with this photo of Patches taken in May of 2006. Mattie wasn't the only one who loved outdoor time and the frog sandbox. As spring approaches, I will miss my two buddies coming outside with me into our garden!









 

Monday, March 25, 2013

Monday, March 25, 2013

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2005. Mattie was almost three years old. Peter and I took Mattie to Butler's Orchard in Maryland every fall and spring. In the Spring, the farm put together a "Bunnyville" event that was absolutely adorable. Mattie loved riding on the tractors and he especially appreciated how all the activities were done in big and wide open spaces! As you can see, Mattie and I posed in front of this wonderful bunny haystack!







Quote of the day: Perhaps it is because cats do not live by human patterns, do not fit themselves into prescribed behavior, that they are so united to creative people. ~ Andre Norton

It is almost the end of March and it is still cold, damp, and YES we even have snow. I went to Georgetown Hospital today to meet with one of our nursing friends and as I parked the car, I felt that this sight was worth a picture. I think it captures the greyness of the day and the newly fallen snow! Winter just won't go away!


This evening Peter took me to Virginia Hospital Center for a neck and spine MRI. The tech asked me if I ever had an MRI before. I told him I had and therefore I guess he figured this was old hat for me. Unlike the techs at Georgetown, this tech did not give me breaks between images, nor did he tell me how much longer I was going to be in the scanner. That was very disorienting not knowing the timing and to hear constant banging for 40 minutes straight is challenging. None the less, I kept my eyes closed and just managed through it!

The highlight of the hospital trip greeted me, after the scan, in the MRI waiting area. When I headed out to Peter, I found Tim, our friend and administrator from Georgetown University Hospital sitting with Peter. Tim always surprises me at Georgetown and has sat with me in both the MRI waiting area and in the adult oncology clinic as I waited to see my doctor. However, I never suspected that Tim would keep up this touching tradition in another hospital. It was a very special gift to see a friend after the MRI, and it was so thoughtful to know that someone was thinking about Peter while he was sitting waiting for me. Sometimes the waiting is worse than the test itself. Tim understands this!

We waited together after my MRI was over, because I needed my images put on a disc. After about 15 minutes of waiting, the radiology assistant brought out my images on a disc for me. She had me sign a form and then said... "I'm sure you are very happy to get out of here now!" I told her the waiting wasn't that bad because I had a friend surprise me with a visit. She turned to look at Tim, and then she asked me, how ever did I find such a good friend?! In all reality it is a long story, which of course would involve Mattie, his cancer battle, and naturally the Foundation. We spared her the story, but Tim's visit reminds me once again how important human connections are and what a difference they make in my life.

If I were to title this picture, I would call it, "The Escape!" If Patches did not like the noise around her or if she deemed Mattie dangerous to her, she would literally jump onto our sideboard and then from there jump onto our staircase and escape upstairs. In the early years, we had a gate that prevented Mattie from climbing up the stairs. So Patches knew if she got to the staircase she was SAFE! Patches never scratched, pawed at, or hissed at Mattie. She just understood that this behavior wouldn't be tolerated. But it was deeper than that. Patches deemed herself as part of the family, and family members are not supposed to hurt one another. This was just instinct to her!
 

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Sunday, March 24, 2013

Tonight's picture was taken in April of 2004. That day, Peter and I took Mattie to the National Zoo. Peter captured a precious moment in time between us and some of the photos snapped minutes apart from each other were an absolute riot. This was just naturally Mattie, he did not know Peter was taking pictures of us. I typically don't show more than one photo of Mattie a night, but since there were several in this series, I decided it would make sense to illustrate Mattie in action!


Quote of the day:  A meow massages the heart. ~ Stuart McMillan

This next photo may look posed, but I assure you it was not! It happened minutes after the photo above was taken. Mattie had his affectionate moments and one of the things he absolutely loved was rubbing cheek to cheek!




Peter and I worked on Foundation items this morning, and unlike my usual weekends, this weekend I was actually productive. I got a lot done in the morning and then Peter and I ventured out in the afternoon. There have been many adjustments for us now without Patches. For example, Peter told me that he walked down the cat food aisle in the grocery store this weekend. He has been conditioned for 17 years to buy food for Patches. So it is hard habit to break, not unlike the habit we had to break when we went to Target, a gift store, or any other kind of shopping after Mattie died. For seven years we were used to buying things for Mattie, picking up toys or other items we thought he would like. It took us a while to understand that these kid aisles no longer applied to us. It was a painful but very real rude awakening. Just like having to by-pass the cat food aisle now!

Tomorrow evening (yes 7:30pm!) I have been scheduled for an MRI. The imaging is of my neck and spine to try to figure out why I have been having numbness and pain since January. I am told that I will be in the machine for an hour! Seems like a perfect place for someone with a massive headache. I have taken MRIs in three different locations around Washington, DC. But I selected to return to the hospital that Mattie was born in and where he was diagnosed with cancer for tomorrow night's testing. Last week I saw an orthopedist who specializes in backs. Ironically there are not a ton of people who specialize in backs, which surprised me. This doctor was a good listener, and when I told him about Mattie, he was deeply sorry, and also understood why I would have great concern given these long-term symptoms. As I told him, I am good at living with pain, I just rather hear from his mouth that this pain is normal rather than falsely determine this on my own.

I end tonight's posting with this photo I took in December of 2004. Mattie was two years old and as you can see both he and Patches were fascinated with the Christmas packing box being stored under our staircase. Patches wanted to rub against it and Mattie wanted to open it. They were quite a duo!

 

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Saturday, March 23, 2013

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2006, at Butterfly World in Florida. I recently found an electronic file of photos on my computer that were taken with my mom's camera. I enjoy looking at these photos, because to me they seem brand NEW. My mom caught Mattie in motion! Mattie always loved to rub checks with me. Not  that I will ever forget this, but it is so special to see this Mattie tradition caught on film! 


Quote of the day: No amount of time can erase the memory of a good cat, and no amount of masking tape can ever totally remove her fur from your couch. ~ Leo Dworken

I love tonight's quote because it is SO true!!! Patches' memory will be forever with us and so will her fur. Peter and I used to joke with each other all the time that even when we were on vacation, we would find Patches fur either on our luggage or clothes. This photo was taken in January of 2002, three months before Mattie was born. Even if this photo did not have a date on it, I would know it was pre-Mattie, because Post-Mattie, Patches rarely spent time in Mattie's room (which was where this pouch was located!).

Peter and I had a productive morning working on Foundation items. We then visited Mattie's school campus where his memorial tree is located. We brought a ladder this time to clean up debris on the tree. Peter also suggested we remove all Christmas ornaments in order to get the tree ready for the spring and summer seasons. Today we hung 11 different types of planes on the tree in honor of Mattie's 11th birthday. It is hard to believe that this will be the fourth birthday we are acknowledging without Mattie. It doesn't get easier, in fact, a loss like this can leave a person VERY bitter, angry, and jealous. It takes a great deal of strength and humility to work through these feelings. As my friend Annie (who also lost a child to cancer) mentioned to me on Thursday, unlike our friends we have NO new pictures of our children accumulating from year to year. Instead for us, we must cling to the past.  

When we arrived by Mattie's tree, I could see the crocuses Peter planted weeks ago around the tree. They were a special and springy sighting! I am stunned that they haven't been stepped on by the children in the playground area.

Mattie's Tree is both a magical and twinkling tree. The items on the tree capture your attention and the chimes blowing in the wind almost bring about an ethereal feeling.

 

Peter and I went out to lunch today at Mattie's favorite restaurant. When we came outside after lunch, I heard a glorious musical sound. I looked up in the tree, and there was a cardinal. One of Mattie's favorite birds. I suspect Mattie liked cardinals because the males are bright RED!

 

Friday, March 22, 2013

Friday, March 22, 2013

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2007. Mattie was still in preschool back then and that afternoon after school, my parents and I took Mattie out to lunch. The irony is that now we know the executive chef of this particular Clyde's. We did not know her at the time, in fact we did not meet her until Mattie died. But every May at our Foundation Walk, Becca, the former executive chef of the Mark Center Clyde's (where Mattie was pictured) comes to our Walk and cooks all the food for our attendees. It is through Mattie that I have become connected to some remarkable people!


Quote of the day: Holding this soft, small living creature in my lap this way, though, and seeing how it slept with complete trust in me, I felt a warm rush in my chest. I put my hand on the cat's chest and felt his heart beating. The pulse was faint and fast, but his heart, like mine, was ticking off the time allotted to his small body with all the restless earnestness of my own. ~ Haruki Murakami

Over the years we took some magnificent photos of Patches. This one was taken in June of 2002. Patches loved her outdoor time just as much as I do. In fact, we were hoping that Patches would make it through the spring and summer so she would have one last time out on our deck. Patches enjoyed the bird traffic and the butterflies. Today is day two without our Patches and her presence is greatly missed.

 

The past two days I have spent a lot of time at home working on Foundation items. It is hard working independently and alone all the time. It is much worse now however without Patches around. I was talking with my mom today who reflected on how much Patches loved Peter. Patches, I suspect loved Peter because out of the two of us, he was the first one she encountered. One night back in February of 1996, I encouraged Peter to take some leftover steak we had outside to feed the stray cat, which I had already named Patches. I had been tracking Patches for a week, and quickly realized she was hanging around our deck and was most likely abandoned. The poor thing was screaming her head off in our common's area and frankly I was stunned no one else seemed to respond or care about her howling. I assure you she could howl, like a dog, and she wasn't quiet about it! When Peter went out to give her steak, she wanted nothing to do with him or the meat. So he went downstairs to get our mail. When Peter returned to our common's area, Patches jumped off a wall and began to charge Peter. Peter wasn't sure if she was going to attack him or what, so he braced himself. What she did however, was she ran up to him and started rubbing herself against his legs. Peter then led her to the plate with the steak on it, and he began to pet her head. From that moment, it was LOVE at first TOUCH! At that point, as if a flip was switched inside her head, she instantly trusted Peter and that trust and love lasted a lifetime.

 

Next Thursday, Peter and I are going to Bethany Beach. I usually feel the need to escape around the time of Mattie's birthday. I am not sure if I leave for myself or to protect others in my life from my feelings. For me it is always painful when Mattie's birthday isn't remembered or celebrated. As time passes, people forget, but the problem is I will never forget. As Mattie's friends are celebrating their 11th birthdays with parties, I am instead finding ways to mark this occasion on Mattie's memorial tree. I live such a different life from most of my friends and these differences are painful year round, but even more painful on special milestones and holidays. I snapped a picture of the 11 items which Peter and I will be adding to Mattie's tree this weekend in honor of Mattie's fast approaching birthday.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008. Mattie was home recovering from his second limb salvaging surgery. Our living room was transformed with a hospital bed in it and as you can see Nurse Patches settled in on Mattie's bed. One could say that she was there to enjoy the new bed and blankets, but knowing Patches, I realize she was there because she deemed herself part of the family and wanted to lend her support.







Quote of the day: Cats do care. For example they know instinctively what time we have to be at work in the morning and they wake us up twenty minutes before the alarm goes off. ~  Michael Nelson


It was a challenging day for both Peter and I in different ways. Peter had a morning and night time routine with Patches. Like Michael Nelson's quote points out about cats, Patches was better than any alarm clock. She always woke up minutes before Peter's alarm clock would go off. Mind you Peter's wake up time wasn't always consistent. So the question is how did she know? Peter always joked that Patches must have checked his alarm clock the night before to know when she had to rise the next day. Waking up without a Patches greeting today was unsettling for Peter and certainly there was no furry friend to greet him by the door when he returned from work.

Before Patches recently lost her hearing, she had an instinct and could hear/sense Peter climbing up the staircase in our building to get to our unit. In fact, I could always tell when Peter was coming home from work by Patches movements and her circling by our front door. In many ways I think Patches thought she was a person.

As Peter had his Patch routines, I too had my own. As soon as I woke up and my feet touched the floor in the morning, Patches would be there in a flash to greet me. She watched, almost frustrated at times, as I made the bed, and then quickly shuttled me downstairs for a snack or a treat. This has been our routine for over a decade. Since January, when she began to be noticeably sick, our routine began shifting. She became more sedentary, however despite that, she was ALWAYS watching me. This morning as I was gathering things to do laundry in our complex, there was no Patches around inspecting what was going in the laundry cart and later in the morning as I was putting laundry away, there was no Patches watching me as if I was a tennis ball in a tennis match. Patches used to watch me going up and down the stairs carrying laundry. I took it for granted, but today, I found that I missed the furry observations and commentary.

One of the highlights of my day today was receiving flowers from my friend Carolyn. Carolyn knows I love sunflowers, lilies, and butterflies. Look at that glorious purple butterfly on this arrangement! Patches actually would have loved this delivery because when the florist came to my door, he had the base of the basket in a box. As I removed the basket and placed it on the table, I put the box near Patches' perch. I did this almost out of instinct. Because a box by the perch was a sign to Patches that the box was hers! So this beautiful gift evoked Patches memories, which made me smile.


I spent the entire day at home working. I am knee deep in literature reviews for a Foundation think tank working group that I am a part of. Doing this kind of work reminds me of my days in graduate school. It is easy to get absorbed in computer searches and before you know it the day just drifts by. Later this evening, Peter and I got together with my friend Annie. I met Annie while doing advocacy work on Capitol Hill two years ago. Annie lost her daughter Eloise in May of 2010, eight months after Mattie. When I met Annie, we instantly gravitated to each other, and whenever she comes to town, we get together. Tonight, we had the opportunity to meet her husband as well and I was happy Peter got a chance to connect to another dad who lost a child to cancer. I always appreciate my chats with Annie because our perspectives are similar and we both call things as we see them. It is always comforting to me that when I experience the world a certain way and think something is off or wrong with me, that Annie can share or email with me how she is feeling. Then we quickly determine the issues don't lie with us, but they lie within the situation or fate we have been dealt. That doesn't resolve our issues, but it does make a difference to know we are not alone!
 

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

Wednesday, March 20, 2013

GOOD-BYE ...... "TIGER BABY PUMPKIN CABBAGE PATCH" (Peter's name for Patches)!!!

Tonight's picture was taken on April 27, 2002. Mattie was 23 days old and guess who was in and amongst us checking everything out?! PATCHES!!! As you can see, Patches was perched on the arm of our couch and did her best to lend moral support. We certainly needed a lot of it back then and we had no idea that caring for a newborn was going to be a piece of cake in comparison to battling osteosarcoma six years later.

 

SWEET PATCHES by Diane Bancroft (Our California Friend, Faithful blog reader, and Fellow Animal Lover.... THANK YOU DIANE!)

Sweet Patches from your "kitten-hood"

you were so smart and dear.
When we were ill you understood
and we would find you near.


We loved you from the start you see
adorable sweet kitty!
You came to us; twas meant to be!
You found us in this city!

Sweet nurse, friend and protector

we hate to have to part
but you will always always be
forever in our hearts!

I would like to begin tonight's posting with a BIG THANK YOU for all your supportive emails today. I have received messages from friends and faithful readers who I never even met before. Thank you for reading Mattie's blog across the Country and beyond. We received a lovely message of support today as far away as Australia! Mattie's life, his presence, and story are far reaching and it makes me smile to hear that something you are reading on this blog resonates with you and gives you pause and reason to reflect.

Over the past couple of days I have received many messages from people sharing their own loss of their beloved pets. The loss of Patches has touched you personally and evokes memories and feelings of saying good-bye to your own furry friends. Thank you for sharing these stories with me and for reliving those moments with me. As painful as they are! It is helpful to know that what Peter and I are feeling is understood and I also appreciate how so many of you realize how this loss ties into Mattie's death. Needless to say I have found the only way to survive grief is to have others walk this road with us, and I thank you once again for walking this journey as we now say good-bye to Patches. (NOTE: this was all written before 4:40pm--before Patches was put to sleep)

It is now 5:40pm, and Patches is gone from our world. Patches' vet is in Dupont Circle, and though I LOVE the vet and the people working there, I HATE the location. I get so frustrated with parking that I want to drive literally into a building and leave the car exactly where I crash it! Today Peter was driving thankfully. As some of you may recall, the last time I was at the vet in January (for Patches' diagnosis), I got an $100 parking ticket and I avoided being towed by seconds!

Peter and I drove around and around for 15 minutes today looking for parking. With each minute I was getting more and more agitated!! At which point, Peter dropped Patches and I off and continued to look for parking. Fortunately a local hotel took pity on our situation and allowed Peter to valet park right in front of the hotel. To me that was an act of mercy! There are angels amongst us.

Meanwhile, while Patches and I were inside, I processed the paperwork and bill. Though Peter and I weren't exactly on the same page about Patches remains, I made the decision for a private cremation. I want Patches ashes. To me they are important, as are Mattie's which are with me too. Naturally if I was being pragmatic, I would be saying to myself...... "Vicki you have no children, who is going to inherit these ashes?!" But as I tell people always, there is NO rationalization with grief, which is why Peter did not even skip a beat when I told him of my final decision. In the end, I know Peter wants me to do whatever I need to do to find peace. So in two weeks, Patches will be back home with us in some form. We had time to say good-bye to Patches, hug her, kiss her, and Peter even cut some of her fur to preserve. Needless to say, we are not in the best of moods or place tonight.

As so many of you shared with me, putting an animal to sleep is a VERY peaceful process. The vet administered a sedative to Patches NOT within our presence. That was probably a good thing. When Patches came back to us she was very calm and then through an IV was administered a lethal dosage of a barbiturate. Within 20 seconds Patches' heart stopped beating. Unlike Mattie's death, Patches' death seemed humane and peaceful. The vet assured us we were making the correct decision and were sparing Patches further pain and suffering. Patches was no longer the girl we knew. Her face was distorted, she was unable to eat or drink, but I have to tell you her spirit was still with us. She responded to us, meowed, and trotted around after us. An amazing cat!

 

Before we took Patches to the vet today, I snapped two pictures of her. Patches spent the afternoon on our couch, sitting where I typically sit on the couch. There is something symbolic to this photo, as if Mattie is looking down on Patches. I believe in my Catholic religion, it is deemed that animals don't go to heaven. Just another issue I have with religion. If animals don't go to heaven, then I am very perplexed. Our pets are innocent, beautiful, and loving creatures, and in my opinion deserve a direct passage through the pearly gates. If Mattie has anything to do with things, I have no doubt they will be reunited.

 

Here is a close up good-bye photo of our dear Patches resting today! I am worn out, not physically feeling well, have a violent headache which I have had for over a week now.... so I am signing off. I am leaving you with a message from my mom. Much thanks to all of you for your continued support!

 

The End of an Era by Virginia R. Sardi

The end of an era! That's what it feels like today contemplating Patches' final day with you. It is the final blow that leaves only memories of those brief happy days of the past when Mattie brought sunshine into our lives and Patches, his sidekick, was a willing co-conspirator in whatever happened to be on Mattie's radar that day. Together they made beautiful music and their like will not be seen again any time soon. Patches, like our Mattie, will never be forgotten!! May she join up with her pal in Heaven to engage in their familiar antics and pranks that enlivened our lives unforgettably so that the Angels will know exactly what it is that we who are left behind miss so dearly!