Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2008. Mattie was in the clinic and had just received a dosage of his experimental immunotherapy treatment. Don't get me started on that medication..... in my opinion it caused more harm than benefit. In any case, after any dosage, Mattie always was ill, with a terrible fever and chills. But not just any chills, chill that are called rigors. Rigors are an episode of shaking or exaggerated shivering, and with Mattie it almost looked like a convulsion. That was how severe it appeared. In any case, while having a bad reaction, Santa came in to visit children in the clinic. Santa had guidance from Linda, Mattie's child life specialist, and he picked all the items Mattie would like. Despite how badly Mattie felt (as you can see, he could hardly lift his head from the pillow in his lap), he still greeted Santa and thanked him!
Quote of the day: People tend to dwell more on negative things than on good things. So the mind then becomes obsessed with negative things, with judgments, guilt and anxiety produced by thoughts about the future and so on. ~ Eckhart Tolle
Tonight's quote captured my attention. Mainly because I am one of those people who focuses on the negative. I am not sure people who interact with me, would classify me in this way. But I do, because I am! I honestly can't remember who I was prior to Mattie getting cancer, but I would like to say I wasn't always this way..... the negative wasn't always on the forefront of my mind.
I do think losing an only child to cancer, has clouded my perspective on life. I think at one time, I may have had the crazy notion that we had control over our own destiny if we worked hard and led a "good" life. What a joke! So much about life is out of our control, and when you see children getting cancer and dying, then I think such a reality rocks your world. Unfortunately the tremors from this rocking reverberate through your days, weeks, and years continuously. I do think however, that grief and loss do become even more heightened over the holidays. The mere presence of Christmas trees, wreaths, and decorations are bittersweet for me.
I was chatting with a friend today, who like me, also focuses on the negative. We are very aware of the fact that the majority of the world is not like us. Thankfully. I can firmly say this because with the amount of accidents, catastrophes, natural disasters, and losses we hear about and experience on a daily basis either personally or through the media, if everyone was like me, we would have one depressed world.
Now as tonight's quote relates to grief and loss...... When you lose a loved one, this loss is your whole world. So much so, that you can't understand why others around you are functioning, while for you, your mind and heart are spiraling downhill. In fact, you observe others are celebrating, smiling, and going about their daily routine, while here you are in shock, grieving, and not knowing how you are going to get through the next minute. I am very sensitive to how people interact with people who have lost a family member or close friend. Yes the lose maybe acknowledged by others on a cerebral level, but that is definitely different than emotionally feeling and living with the loss. So many can't and won't live in the negative with you, and this is ever so obvious to me whenever I bring up the topic of child loss. This topic makes people edgy, so much so, that platitudes, redirection, and the positive spin are the bi-products. I totally get why people want to spin the horrible into something positive, but the ironic thing is the only thing this accomplishes, at least for me, is to further focus on the negative. The negative being....... my differences, people can't relate to me, I can't relate to them, and the divide increases.
So when people tell me on a rare occasion that they only see the negative, all I can say is I get it. I don't sugar coat it, but acknowledge that this is the reality for some of us. When I say some of us, I am not implying that only those going through child loss are like this. There are many reasons why people all around us may focus upon the negative. The issue as I see it, is so many won't accept this statement, and want to change it or our outlook. I realize it is sad to hear that one primarily sees the negative in life, but to me it is far sadder that this can't simply be acknowledged and heard. I have found acknowledging this reality does in a way make one pause! Pausing allows the person who feels this way to be heard, it allows what is being said to sink into the listener's head, and also by not reacting with a remedy or band-aid, this is in essence saying...... I hear you, accept what you are saying, and I am not running away from this news.
