Sunday, February 26, 2012Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2002. Mattie was three months old, very alert (though he was BORN alert!!), and you maybe able to see his first tooth (bottom middle) featured here. Mattie loved to sit on the couch with me and to have pillows propped up all the way around his body. Mattie was full of life and very early on I learned the hard way that he had a sense of humor. One afternoon/evening, Mattie was sitting on one of our chairs, propped up with pillows. Everything seemed fine one minute and the next he was making a funny sound. It almost sounded like he was choking or having trouble breathing. I monitored him and then called his doctor, who went through a whole list of things with me. She told me if the sound did not stop in 30 minutes to take Mattie to the emergency room. When Peter came home from work that day, I was in a panic. I had him hear the sound, but it was evident Mattie was breathing and not turning colors, and so forth. Do you want to know what that sound ultimately was?! That was Mattie's baby attempt at laughter!!! I am sure, watching me panic on the phone with the doctor was hysterical for Mattie to see, and it was by Mattie's third month of life that I learned I was dealing with a live wire.
Quote of the day: Happiness is like a butterfly: the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder. ~ Henry David Thoreau
I came across this quote the other day and I immediately loved it. I think the analogy of happiness being like a butterfly is perfect. Mainly because happiness is fleeting and elusive, not unlike chasing a butterfly. I do find after Mattie's death, trying to find happiness and making myself happy, no longer works for me. But it is in doing and helping others, that occasionally unbeknownst to me a butterfly of happiness comes to sit on my shoulder however briefly.
This morning I was glued to my phone. Not that this is anything new, but my friends Ann and Tina were at a gymnastics meet with their daughters. During these meets both of my friends typically text message me. Tina and I were typing away today and I felt almost as if I were at the meet, though fortunately for me I was spared all the noise and the intensity that exists within the competition room. If you have never been to a gymnastics competition before, it is worth a visit. Mainly because you can feel the tension and stress within the room amongst the parents, as they watch their children competing. I had the best of both worlds today, I could hear how the girls were doing, stay connected with my friends, but not have to physically absorb the tension. Tension which I can't physically handle right now.
While Ann and Tina were watching their girls very successfully perform (might I add!), Peter and I were home taking on a cleaning project. Some of my faithful readers may recall that last February I began the clean out our home. Last year was beyond overwhelming trying to go through piles, boxes, and all of Mattie's things. While Mattie was battling cancer, we rarely lived at home. As such, things all around us piled up. Mattie was sent toys and gifts weekly to our home and the hospital, and frankly while helping Mattie I couldn't manage the things coming into our home. After Mattie died in September of 2009, I did not have the heart to touch ANY of his possessions. Not until February of 2011 that is! Last February the clean out process was BEYOND intense. Peter and I donated about 40 large garbage bags of items to Goodwill and the hospital. But then I gave up and never continued the process. That is until today. I did not feel like leaving our home, so instead I began cleaning out again. We went through hundreds of DVDs that Mattie used to like to watch, and that task alone was not easy. I have remained vigilant about not giving away Mattie's things, because these are all I have left of him. However, with time, I find that I am able to part with certain things, and can pin point those things that meant something to Mattie, and therefore am compelled to save them. Mattie had several favorite videos, and though they are not things I will ever watch again, I also can't part with them either.
While going through videos, something happened which I can't explain. I was cleaning and checking my blackberry for messages periodically. While text messaging my friend Tina, I saw another text message pop up at the same time, and I could see it said something like... "I am glad you found Lightning McQueen, I knew you would." I didn't continue reading it because I was still communicating with Tina. I figured it was a message from my friend Ann, and I would check it after I finished typing to Tina. However, when I went searching for this Lightning McQueen message I couldn't find it! I even asked Ann if she sent me a message and she said she hadn't. So where did the message go and who was the message from? No one knew I was cleaning things out today! So again, I add this to my list of unexplained incidents, and I have had several since Mattie died. To me these are signs in which I feel as if Mattie is communicating with me!
Seeing piles of Mattie's things all around us, brings up all sorts of feelings, and at one point today, we were both in tears. It can become very challenging to go on when we truly face our reality. Remember that within our reality is a 15 month battle with cancer, a battle that was horrific in and of itself, in which we were denied sleep and forced to see things that most people wouldn't want to see happening to their child on one day must less over a year. Then after this nightmare, we watched Mattie die in a very painful and agonizing way. These are memories that live within us and will always be a part of us. Though these are a part of us, some days and some objects transport us right back into our cancer hell.
I would like to end tonight's posting with a message I received from my mom. She reflected on the Annabel Lee poem I posted on the blog on January 28. Like me, she too was moved by this poem and Mattie's death has enabled her to truly understand the depths of this poem.
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The wind came out of the cloud by night chilling
and killing my Annabel Lee. (Poem by Edgar Allan Poe)
and killing my Annabel Lee. (Poem by Edgar Allan Poe)
Commentary by Virginia R. Sardi
When I was young and idealistic about life, I was an optimist at heart. In time I was introduced to the works of Edgar Allan Poe and was intrigued by his brooding melancholia. As I look back on my own life filled with moments of great happiness and those of profound sorrow, the one event that gives me the wisdom and the compassion to respect and understand the deep feelings of loneliness expressed so exquisitely in an Edgar Allan Poe verse is the death of Mattie. Edgar Allan Poe conveys so much pain in describing the loss of the love of his life by the evil forces of nature in his poetic voice saying that, “the wind came out of the cloud by night chilling and killing my Annabel Lee” separating him forever from his beloved, in a way that was both irreversible and final. In a few simple and stark words, he has captured the emptiness inside those of us who have loved and lost who must learn to live with clouds that create perpetual shadows that dim the light of all future happiness. On further reflection, it ignites an understanding of how powerless humans are to control their own destinies and to shield their loved ones from harm. Analytically speaking, life and death from this perspective is all a matter of luck, destiny and chemistry. His words do move me to tears in a way that was not possible before. Beware the power of nature and the force of destiny that never can be contained, he seems to say. That is why now more than ever, the focus of life should be the present for it can never be recovered, nor altered by time. Make the moments you live count and do no fritter them away. Bringing love, comfort and help to others in need is one way to combat the evil wind coming out of the clouds that has such destructive force. Wind and chill conspired to take Mattie away from us for he was the essence of the sun, the moon and the stars to those who knew and loved him!! Vicki, your work with Mattie Miracle and your excellent appeal to the public in a voice of compassion and love will create roadblocks to the “wind in the clouds” and give life and disease free happiness to many children and their families. Bravo!!
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