Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2009. Mattie created this red clay vase for me and all these tissue paper flowers. He worked on this project with his art therapists, but ironically I never knew about it, until he presented it to me. To this day, I still have this red clay vase in our family room! It reminds me of this precious moment in time and I am grateful for all the legacy items Mattie created while hospitalized. Peter wrote me several beautiful cards today and in one of the cards he reminded me just how close Mattie and I were to each other. Peter said it was palpable! That words weren't necessary, you could just feel our strong bond and connection. Which maybe why Peter's nickname for Mattie was "mama lover." When Peter used to say this to us, it always cracked me and Mattie up!
Many years ago, my friend Denise sent me this Erma Bombeck column on Mother's Day. I found it so meaningful, that I repost it each year on the blog.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Mothers Who Have Lost a Child - May 14, 1995 by Erma Bombeck
If you're looking for an answer this Mother's day on why God reclaimed your child, I don't know. I only know that thousands of mothers out there today desperately need an answer as to why they were permitted to go through the elation of carrying a child and then lose it to miscarriage, accident, violence, disease or drugs.
Motherhood isn't just a series of contractions, it's a state of mind. From the moment we know life is inside us, we feel a responsibility to protect and defend that human being. It's a promise we can't keep. We beat ourselves to death over that pledge. "If I hadn't worked through the eighth month." "If I had taken him to the doctor when he had a fever." "If I hadn't let him use the car that night." "If I hadn't been so naïve. I'd have noticed he was on drugs."
The longer I live, the more convinced I become that surviving changes us. After the bitterness, the anger, the guilt, and the despair are tempered by time, we look at life differently.
While I was writing my book, I want to Grow Hair, I Want to Grow Up, I Want to Go to Boise, I talked with mothers who had lost a child to cancer. Every single one said death gave their lives new meaning and purpose. And who do you think prepared them for the rough, lonely road they had to travel? Their dying child. They pointed their mothers toward the future and told them to keep going. The children had already accepted what their mothers were fighting to reflect.
The children in the bombed-out nursery in Oklahoma City have touched more lives than they will ever know. Workers who had probably given their kids a mechanical pat on the head without thinking that morning are making calls home during the day to their children to say, "I love you."
This may seem like a strange Mother's Day column on a day when joy and life abound for the millions of mothers throughout the country. But it's also a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mothers who deserve it more than those who had to give a child back.
In the face of adversity, we are not permitted to ask, "why me?" You can ask, but you won't get an answer. Maybe you are the instrument who is left behind to perpetuate the life that was lost and appreciate the time you had with it.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
It maybe my 14th Mother's Day without Mattie, and though I have gotten used to the feeling of being without his physical presence in my life, I will NEVER get used to fact that Mattie died and certainly celebrating Mother's Day does not have the same meaning. With each year, as a bereaved mom you become more aware of what is missing in your life and that hole is just never filled.
I received many meaningful messages today, all of which mean a great deal to me. Here are a few:
- When Mattie was alive you were an amazing mom. After his death you are helping to shape a better world in his honor which continues to make you an amazing mom.
- To an incredible woman... Mattie's mom, Sunny's mom, and caregiver/mom to your parents. Happy Mother's Day, I pray for you to have strength to continue being the strongest woman I know.
- Of all the mothers I've met in my life, there is something different about you that has stood out to me. It is the innate ability and gift God gave you to soften in the face of pain, devastation and grief. It's not a passive softening or a weakness - No, it is your capacity to drink the bitter cup without becoming bitter, but better. It's your ability to have a soften heart - to learn and give and raise money and share. It's that you choose courage over cowardness, kindness and gentleness opposed to jealousy, envy or retaliation. Do you know how rare this is? I know with all my heart that it was something you've had and developed your whole life - but something about the type of mother you were to Mattie solidified this trait within your soul and I'm awe inspired at who you are - your gentle strength and unwavering love towards those you love and with the worthy causes you pursue.
No comments:
Post a Comment