Tonight's picture was taken in August of 2009. By that point we knew that Mattie's cancer had spread throughout his body, and he was going to die. Mattie requested that my husband put up his big camping tent in the living room for us to sleep in! This tent was gigantic and took up practically our whole first floor. Mattie always wanted to go camping, but since we couldn't make that happen, we went camping in the living room. Literally we had an IV pole right outside the tent hooked up to Mattie, a pain pump and portable oxygen all in the tent with us. One of us was with Mattie at all times, even at night, because Mattie was unable to walk and had a Broviac catheter hanging from his chest, therefore, he needed supervision and support. I remember those days, they are ingrained in my mind, body, and heart..... as I was working under the worst of conditions, on only a few hours of sleep a night. But I would have done that ten times over, on the quest to cure Mattie's cancer.
Quote of the day: It's strange that, despite all of the advances, no one has ever measured how much emotional pain the heart can hold. ~ Wahi Noor
It was a hard morning. It took me over an hour to get my dad up, showered, dressed, and downstairs. Though I prop my dad up with about twenty pillows at night (behind his head, under his legs, and arms), he still migrates to the edge of the bed by morning. Fortunately I have a bedrail, otherwise he would be on the floor. When I ask my dad to straighten his body out and move toward the middle of the bed, he can't! He physically can't and cognitively he has no idea how to accomplish what I am asking! Yet I can't move him either! So this evening, I purchased a wedge side pillow, because I am hoping I can prop him up more securely at night. I am concerned about his safety in bed and when he migrates to the edge of the bed, he is also twisting his back making it very painful for me to move him in the morning. Once I did get my dad up this morning and into the shower, the bathroom games began. I had to assist him back and forth five times and truly by the fifth time, I felt like I went ten rounds.
After I dropped my dad off at his memory care center, I decided I better head to Lowe's before going grocery shopping. Our contractor has asked me to give him some idea about bathroom tiles and the vanity I wish to use to replace the things damaged in the flood. Perhaps a renovation is exciting or fun for some people. For me, all I can focus on is that it is yet another task and chore I have to do without my husband. When we bought this house in 2021, we worked hard together to make it a home. With him leaving, I have been forced to figure out everything, and I mean everything!
After checking out of Lowes, I headed to the grocery store, which is about ten minutes away. When I got out of the car to go into the grocery store, I was looking in the car for my sweater. I literally was frantically looking for it, because I knew I brought it with me inside of Lowes. This happens to be a sweater I have had for years. To me it is the perfect summer sweater, not too hot and not too cool. I quickly realized.... I lost the sweater at Lowes. So instead of going grocery shopping, I got back in the car and drove back to Lowes. I checked the parking lot. It wasn't there! So I went into the store and started at the check out area. I literally asked the man working at the counter if he saw my sweater! Magically he said YES! He found it and was hoping I would come back for it. Finding my sweater made my day! But I typically am not as scattered as this, so it speaks to my level of exhaustion. Needless to say, I got back into the car and had to go grocery shopping! When I got home, I dealt with groceries, laundry, and and other tasks, just in time to take my mom out for tea. Another day, where I feel like I am living on a perpetual treadmill.
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