Saturday, August 9, 2025

Saturday, August 9, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken on August 8, 2009. Mattie absolutely LOVED "Speedy Red." This was Mattie's last wish.... to have a ride-on vehicle, a vehicle he had wanted for at least two years (the request started when he was healthy). Of course my perspective on this massive request changed dramatically given the circumstances. I am so grateful our commons area was flat, paved, and enclosed. It made for the perfect space to learn to drive! Though I have to admit, Mattie intuitively understood the mechanics of driving and even though I sat in the passenger seat for his first few attempts, he really did not need much coaching. He was a natural, as he understood how to use a brake, gas pedal, and the art of steering!

Quote of the day: People who are hiding truth deep within themselves will live a life cloaked in total anxiety. ~ RJ Intindola 

This morning, I had my alarm set for 7am. But with the fans going, I clearly did not hear it. First off, Indie no longer comes upstairs in the morning. She is frightened from all of the fans! She is my natural alarm clock, as she is usually meowing before my alarm. What jolted me awake at 8am, was my mom moving about. Thankfully I heard her, otherwise, I would never have gotten up, got the morning routine going, in time for my dad's physical therapy session at 11am. Given that I use my phone as my alarm clock, and I did not hear the alarm, my fear was something was wrong with my phone. If you have been following along all these months/years, then you know that technology is NOT my thing. If I had a problem in the past, I always turned to my husband. I also get attached to things, so I have an old iPhone (11, to be exact). I don't even like changing and updating my phone. Naturally when I have issues with sound and or anything else on the phone, I wonder.... is the phone dying?! What will I do?! I have had MANY WHAT WILL I DO moments since my husband left. 

Some days, I can tick along, and not focus on my loss, and other days, it is much harder. Today was one of those hard days. I can't help but hear about vacations and other "normal" things people are doing. For example, my neighbor's were in Italy and I can't help but pause and think to myself.... aren't you lucky to have a stable and committed relationship. Something I thought I always had. Truthfully I look at most people around me, and what I immediately can determine is THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH! I met someone today in my neighborhood, who knows my story, as he observed the tragedy unfold for himself! He greeted with Good Morning....are things better now? Seriously, how do I even respond!? No one wants to hear the reality and frankly after 37 years with one person, does someone honestly think I could easily heal from this level of abandonment and betrayal? I am attached to an old iPhone, so connect the dots to how I must feel about people. Given that you are a blog reader, I know you have already connected these dots a long time ago. 

This morning's fun was my dad's allergic reaction to his high blood pressure medication. They changed his medications at discharge from the hospital, without knowing how he was going to respond to any of these changes! I always LOVE this! Any case, for a week, I have watched the reaction unfold. It always starts with my dad scratching his legs non-stop. It almost looks like his legs were attacked by a kitten. This week, the intense itching moved to his arms and this morning, his elbows, fingers and forehead had what I called goose eggs on them! Big swellings. At that point, I had enough. This medication needed to be stopped before he was unable to swallow, or it impacted his breathing. I literally called his cardiology practice and thankfully his cardiologist was on call this weekend. I gave it to him, and he agreed, my dad has to go back on his former meds! He also acknowledged that it is impossible to get an appointment with him, and he is going to have his staff call me on Monday! Any case, I am trying to manage my dad's intense itching and scratching, before he causes an infection in his skin. His primary care doctor suggested I give my dad Benadryl today. I am always hesitant to do this, given he doesn't react well to this anti-histamine. But today I was desperate and bought the kid's version and gave him half of the dosage you would give a 12 year old. We shall see!

This afternoon, I took my parents out for lunch at the local diner. On an aside, our server gave me a piece of toast in the shape of a heart!

I was lucky enough to get the one disabled parking spot in front of the restaurant. When I got out to help my parents (I now have to help one at a time get out of the car and to the restaurant), a woman approached me. She offered to help me. She then went on to tell me that her mother died 13 years ago and her mother-in-law just died. What she said to me was she is emotionally lost. I told her I understood and the length of time that someone died is meaningless! It is a forever loss. She then proceeded to tell me that her husband has lost his mind! Truthfully she had me laughing. I then asked her whether she and I were living the same life? Any case, she was extremely kind and she turned to my mom and told her how lucky she was to have such a devoted daughter. Needless to say, this woman caused me to pause, because I have to ask myself..... how can a complete stranger understand who I am so well, and yet my husband of decades can't see the person I have always been, and that is a woman devoted to the end to the people I love. 

At 5pm today, the Semper Dry guys came back! Hallelujah the floor, walls, and ceiling are dry! If I had to listen to those fans one more minute, I was going to lose it! One of the guys commented on this photograph in my mom's office. Here is the funny part.... he thought this ballerina in the photograph was me. He says I look just like her, a classic beauty, and I move like a ballerina. I told him this was the best compliment I could ever receive, because the woman in this photograph was the famous ballerina, Margot Fonteyn posing with Rudolf Nureyev. My mom won this photograph at a school auction when I was a little girl and I practically grew up looking at this photograph. Despite how awful I feel physically and emotionally, the fact that I received several snapshots of kindness today, touched my heart.