Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2003. Mattie was almost a year old. Mattie was sitting in "tot wheels." Which had to be his favorite thing, because it was a walker with wheels. It gave him independence to move freely! Mattie loved to sit in tot wheels and zoom around the first floor of our home. Where ever I was, Mattie wasn't far behind!
Quote of the day: Nothing is so strong as gentleness, nothing so gentle as real strength. ~ Francis de Sales
Another full day here. I am working with someone who is helping me clean, stain, and seal my porch wood. I was going to take this on myself, but then I realized..... I have NO IDEA what I am doing. I trust this person because he is a friend of my landscaper. Nate has given me an education about my porch wood and I am learning about the beauty of Brazilian IPE wood. Which apparently is the hardest, strongest, and most naturally resistant to rot, abrasion, weather, and insects. Ipe is one of the longest lasting woods in some cases well over 75 years. Therefore, I want this wood preserved. Ironically I remember when we first moved into the house, someone told us to replace that wood with Trex. I am so glad I did not listen to them!
Some where along the line today, I was asked to join a conference call. I admit that participating in anything for me right now is challenging. Mainly because I never have a minute to myself. But today while on the call what also hit me is my other half is not on the call with me. We started this particular project together and we had a way at analyzing things from all angles and what I always thought was..... we were stronger together. Until I guess we were not! Nonetheless, after I got off the call, I felt I LOST MY PASSION, my drive, my outlook, and a way forward. Things that once excited me, that I was passionate about, are now much more gray. Could tomorrow be influencing how I am feeling? Maybe, but when you have been married to someone for close to 30 years, and dated for 7 years before that, that person becomes a part of you. In a way, you form a third identity, the identity that is the meddling of two people. The kind of meddling whether we knew what each other was thinking and we could finish each other's sentences.
Being divorced is like losing a whole portion of myself and my life. I have been married much longer than I have been single, and therefore, I feel like I am navigating the world now without a limb or my skin. It is simply painful, and yet I am the only one feeling the pain.
After getting off the conference call this afternoon, I felt so dejected and sad, that I had to get up and do something. I couldn't sit with that horrid feeling. So what did I do? I started cleaning windows. I went outside, got fresh air, and made something cleaner and looking better. Those kind of tasks are my diversions and frankly are more therapeutic for me than therapy itself.
If you are reading this and have been following my packing saga over the last few weeks, then I ask you to think good thoughts for me tomorrow as I face a move out of things I never wanted to see leave in the first place.
2 comments:
You will have all my love, thoughts prayers and the biggest hug from afar, tomorrow and all days.I will be beside you sitting quietly and listening to your thoughts. You mean so very much to a lot of people . Never forget how valued your life is to us. Mattie is proud of you and pointing down and telling all near him, "Thats my mom!". So proud.
Chris, your loving message means so much to me. Thank you for writing, for your support, and for following my journey. I am hoping Mattie continues to provide his strength from afar. I am grateful for our connection and for taking the time to write to me. Vicki
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