Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2005. Mattie was almost three years old and he was very proud to have his first bat. Now here's the irony of all of this.... Mattie was like me... he truly had no interest in sports. What did Mattie like about going to a baseball game? Try the people watching. Mattie and I both had a fascination about connecting, learning, and observing people. Got to love that smile.
Quote of the day: We do not have to become heroes overnight. Just a step at a time, meeting each thing that comes up, seeing it is not as dreadful as it appeared, discovering we have the strength to stare it down. ~ Eleanor Roosevelt
This morning, by happenstance, I bumped into a friend. We started talking and caught up for about thirty minutes, as I sat in her car. In the process of talking, I mentioned that life for some people is absolutely hard and tragic. Her response to me was that everyone has issues and crises, and some people just seem to absorb them, move on, and live productive lives. Do I think this is true? Yes to some extent, as one's attitude can help mitigate what life throws at us. But with that said, I personally feel like I have had more than enough to deal with and unfortunately all of these things together have altered who I am. No I do not have a happy go lucky view of life and NO I do not see a path forward or a future. Around 50% of my future died with Mattie and the other 50% died when I got divorced. So that leaves 0%, and I navigate through life being the caregiver to my parents. I can't even fathom life beyond that, as what else is left? Other than my own death.
I juggled picking up prescriptions today, grocery shopping, laundry, paying bills, figuring out how I am going to pay bills, and dealing with some of my mom's paperwork. When I navigated all of that, I then focused on Foundation correspondence.
Just when I think I am finished packing things up, other items come to mind that don't belong to me, and I then go searching for them. When all is said and done, by Friday, many of the items that were part of my shared married history will be moved out. So what does that mean? Was I ever part of that family? Am I a part of that family now? Did my last 35 years exist? Try loving someone all your adult life, and then NOT have them in your life! It is disorienting, confusing, and highly upsetting. At the end of the day, how could I be so wrong thinking that the person I was with loved and respected me the same way I felt about him? AGAIN NO ANSWERS, just lots of questions!
Then out of the blue today, I got an email from a friend. This is a friend who wasn't aware of my divorce. I mention this because unless you read the blog, you will HAVE NO IDEA what is going on with me. I have shared my issues with few people! Any case, my friend wrote:
I think you are an extraordinary human being -- full of compassion, a bright mind, a creative force for good in the world, completely devoted to family and friends, exhibiting grit and grace under the most unimaginable of fates.
The reason why I captured part of what she wrote here, is because some days such reflections get me through the day. When your world comes crashing down all around you, such reflections are like being resuscitated alive. People who know me, know my character, they know my core values, and they know that I put 100% into all my relationships. Moments when I am down, I am grateful for friends who remind me of the person that they have known, valued, and loved for years.
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