Friday, March 28, 2025

Friday, March 28, 2025

Tonight's picture was taken in March of 2004. Mattie was almost two years old. When I was pregnant with Mattie, my mom bought us this lovely rocker. This rocker has seen us through Mattie's infancy, toddlerhood, childhood, childhood cancer journey, and bereavement. To this day, this rocker is in our family room. It is symbolic to me of our family moving from two to three!

Quote of the day: I have learned now that while those who speak about one's miseries usually hurt, those who keep silence hurt more. ~ C.S. Lewis

CS Lewis' quote is exactly right. I have found the only way to manage and cope with misery, heartache, trauma, and grief is to write, and write, and write some more. Recently someone (who isn't a blog reader) mentioned to me that writing about my caregiving experiences may not be appropriate for this blog. Naturally I get why he may have said this, but honestly, caregiving defines me and my life. In addition, it is a commonality that all of us share! Regardless of culture, race, ethnicity, or stage in life, caregiving impacts us all! Therefore, I concluded two things. One caregiving made this individual in question uncomfortable and two, I always feel that if my content isn't relevant for a blog reader, one can simply move on. My blog is NOT assigned reading. Instead, over time, Mattie's blog has become my blog..... a blog of survival. 

I want to thank several of you for reaching out to me between last night and today. As you can imagine today was NOT an easy day. Before I tell you more, I want to share a message I received this morning at 8am. My dear friend wrote...

You are not alone. The God who created the sun, the sunflowers, the butterflies, and EVERYTHING is watching over you, and you have six prayer warriors standing with you interceding for you today. You are not alone. 

Do you think a message can turn your day around? WELL I DO! I found this message very empowering and to know that a group of women (WHO I HAVE NEVER MET), were all praying for me and sending me strength made a big impression on me. 

In addition to packing things up for a month now, I also have been mentally preparing for this move out. Remember I haven't seen or spoken to my husband for almost a year. So seeing him could evoke all sorts of emotions. None of which would be helpful and only counterproductive. So my goal was to be myself, and not live up to a narrative that has been created about me. I was focused on being me............ which if you know me, means kindness, professionalism, and carrying myself with dignity. This is Vicki, always has been Vicki, and something I pride myself on. 

At 11am, two pick up trucks arrived in my driveway with my husband (yes he is now my ex-husband, but to me, he will always be my husband regardless of what the State of Virginia has to say about it) and two other fellows. I greeted everyone and thanked both men for coming to help us. I frankly am not sure how this move out would have gone if I did not spend a month combing the house, packing and organizing. Why did I do all the packing? For several reasons. First, to streamline move out day. Second, to make sure that a thorough packing and moving job were done, and third, because this is just who I am. I am a worker and ironically no matter what, I tend to think of others before myself. Even in this case. 

I staged things in three places. One was his office. I packed up clothes, books, and all sorts of items, and labeled boxes. 

It was hard to see my house with stacked boxes for weeks. I can assure you, Indie (the cat) was neurotic over this big change! 

But it isn't just about move out day today! It is about what it symbolizes..... the dissolution of a very long-term relationship. We met basically as kids in college and grew up together. We survived child loss and one would think if we could do this, we could do anything! Or at least so I thought. 

I had so many hopes for this new chapter in our life. Our first house together. I thought we would have so many Mattie Miracle fundraisers here, and I had many hopes. But what happened was these boxes didn't just contain items, they also contained all my lost hopes for a future. 

The second staged area was the basement. I don't do well just sitting around and watching people work. It isn't my nature. So instead, I was in the mix. Carrying boxes and things outside. Did I have to do this? NO! But then that wouldn't be me! Since I was working alongside the guys, I got to chatting with one of them. They worked very hard and my joke with one of them was he was so tall and lanky, you wouldn't think he could lift anything with significant weight. But I swear he was like a sherpa! It was totally impressive. 

The third staged area. Once everything was out of the house, the fellow I had been talking to said to me.....

It was nice meeting you. I just wish we met under different circumstances. 

I can't tell you how LOVELY that comment was, as I took it to heart! We never talked about anything personal, yet he was bright enough to put two and two together. I thanked him and basically told him that I appreciated his help during this very difficult time in my life. 

After everyone left, I did some clean up in the basement and then had to move furniture to fill up spaces. I moved this bureau from one place to another. In order to move it, I took out each of the drawers to make it lighter to carry. Keep in mind that this bureau came from Boston, and my father-in-law got it for us. 

While taking the drawers out, I found this written inside.............

Seriously I am NOT sure I ever knew this inscription was there. It read:

Repainted January 2014

Love you Q!!

-Bun

Q was one of my nicknames (it stood for cutie) and Bun was one of the names I always called my husband (short for Bunny)

I was meant to see this inscription today! Because when I wonder whether our love was real, this to me says it all! 

It has been an emotionally laden day, and it takes a lot to pack up things for a month, caregiver around the clock and keep myself composed today. But because things are moved out, doesn't end the journey for me. For me the pain begins on a deeper level. 

Any case, before making dinner tonight, I went upstairs to my room. I sat still for a bit and of course my trusty sidekick got on the bed and was lying next to me. She seemed to understand that her presence would be helpful. 

I have to say when things were being moved today, doors were open! I panicked because I did not know where Indie was. But by the stroke of noon, when everyone was gone, her stomach kicked in, and she came out of nowhere for food!