Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2007. Mattie was five years old and that weekend, we went for a family walk on Roosevelt Island. The Island was about a five minute drive from where we lived and it was the best nature preserve to have in one's backyard. We loved traversing it during all the seasons. That day, Mattie found this big green orb on the Island. We later learned that it was a crinkly hedge apple, from an Osage Orange Tree. It was just sitting on the ground, and because it fascinated us, Mattie naturally took it home. When we got home, we cut it open, examined it, and we concluded it had a lovely citrus fragrance. But the outside of the fruit, looks like a human brain! I will never forget our walks together and since I moved to our house, I have never visited Roosevelt Island again.
Quote of the day: Strong people alone know how to organize their suffering so as to bear only the most necessary pain. ~ Emil Dorian
I was so exhausted last night, that I got into bed, fell asleep in an upright position and never moved the entire night. I literally woke up with the TV on and with a headache. Then I looked at my phone and I could see I was getting alerts about low batteries in my smoke and heat detectors in the house. My faithful readers will remember that a few weeks ago, I was awakened at a horrible hour to a high pitched chirping sound. The smoke and heat detectors outside my bedroom door were reporting low batteries then and to me that sound could wake the dead, but my parents never heard it! Lucky them!
Any case, I never heard the chirping sound from the first floor last night. I slept right through it. But once I saw the warning message, I jumped out of bed, dealt with Indie first, and then went through the process of getting out the tall ladder from the garage, and changing batteries. I decided to change all the batteries on the other heat and smoke detectors, because I figured they were due to go off soon too. Thankfully I knew what to do today, given my experience with the problem several weeks ago. But of course, my first thought this morning was..... when will I have an incident free day? A day when my head and eyes do not feel like they are going to jump out of my head?
This afternoon, I took my parents out to brunch. In so many ways, my life is like the 1993 movie, Groundhog Day, and just like the main character, I am trapped in a time loop. A loop in which everyday is the same, regardless of the season, day of the week, or year! It is truly very sobering and it would be a lot easier if I had my other half with me, to help share the load, and to normalize a very difficult situation. While out at brunch, as usual, my dad was in a fog, and my mom was glued to her phone, and there I sat. My mom started discussing my divorce, and of course my dad just looked at us. He can't believe what has happened to me, so instead, he thinks my other half is away on business. Funny, as this would therefore be the non-ending three year long business trip! On this front, I would love to be my dad for a day, oblivious to what I have and continue to endure.
I can't think of a better or more cruel way to hurt me...... leaving me with 24/7 caregiving, a house to maintain, bills to pay, and a Foundation to run on my own. If Mattie were still alive today, I know I would have had a strong, loyal, bright, and fierce ally.
