Friday, January 4, 2013

Friday, January 4, 2013

Tonight's picture was taken in November of 2008. Our blog system is currently experiencing uploading issues, so I could only post a picture that was recently uploaded to the blog. This photo was taken days after Mattie's major limb salvaging surgeries. It was almost incredible to me that he could smile given his circumstances. He couldn't move, had surgery drains in his arm and leg, and he was in a lot of pain. Yet to me this photo captures Mattie's resilience.

Quote of the day: It is our choices..... that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities. ~ JK Rowling


It was a bright and sunny day today in Washington, DC which greatly helped with the transition back home. I couldn't get up this morning and I was still on Los Angeles time. Yet I accomplished a great deal of Foundation work that was piling up on my table.

This evening Peter and I went out to dinner at our usual Friday hang out. At the restaurant, everyone greeted me and said they missed me, but more importantly they told me that Peter was lost without me. So it was a lovely greeting back, one I must admit I wasn't expecting.

The one I do worry about is Patches. She is almost 17 years old and she isn't looking right and not eating well. Considering she is a cat with a hyper thyroid issue who is always eating, I know something is up when she doesn't touch her food. People get attached to their pets, but Patches symbolizes our married life together. She basically walked into our lives and came right onto our deck and adopted us. She was one year old when she found us and was very sick, not to mention that she was shot and had a BB bullet in her leg. Patches also was a trooper through the birth of Mattie and through his cat tail pulling year! Patches was a buddy to Mattie, as she is a buddy to Peter. I am just the help, but we have our own understanding. Soon after Mattie died our vet told us that Patches was ill and probably only had a few more years left. So far we have kept her going for three years, but when I see her like this, I worry. She is still alert, responsive, and active for an old cat, but I continue to keep on eye on her. I do not like to think of Patches dying, because she is a significant part of our family then and even more so NOW!

 

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Thursday, January 3, 2013

Tonight's picture was taken on Christmas Day of 2008. This was a VERY challenging day for us, couped up at home. Mattie was dealing with a great deal of pain and what I later diagnosed, medical traumatic stress. Mattie's preschool friends dropped off these hats and noses for Mattie. Peter encouraged Mattie to put them on and Peter tried very hard to change the mood in our home. I snapped a picture of their momentary fun and I would say this was the brightest moment of our Christmas day.




Quote of the day: In the middle of this journey, we lose a bit of ourselves. We do not know where we are or where we’re headed. We look for directions, seek for guidance, and if we’re lucky, we find it without too much time lost. And if we’re truly lucky, we gain our whole selves back, with an ounce of wisdom on top. ~ Joanne Crisner


It was a LONG but safe travel day today. It is now 12:30am East Coast time, and I am wide awake working on all sorts of things. I had two chatterboxes sitting next to me on the airplane. Both of whom wanted the window shade closed throughout the flight. It is psychological, but I need to see outside and see land while I am flying. So the fact that they were non-stop talking and also closed the shade bothered me to no end. The two sitting next to me were a father-daughter pair. The daughter just turned 21 and they were flying to Dublin, via Washington Dulles. The father was a pilot for another airline and was regaling the flight attendants with his flight stories. NONE of which I wanted to hear. Remember I don't like flying! But the story that was truly troubling was that he was bringing his daughter to Ireland so she could celebrate her 21st birthday in style and get DRUNK! It was at that point he absolutely lost me!

Peter greeted me at the airport and I could tell he was thrilled to have company back into his life. I have a way of keeping him hopping and on his toes. I am told that is contagious and when I am not present I can be missed apparently! We waited for an hour for my luggage and when it was all said and done we did not get back home until after 10:30pm. Despite it being almost 30 degrees colder here in DC compared to Los Angeles, Peter surprised me with roses. These roses have a beautiful fragrance, so in a way it felt like spring time inside.
 

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2008. My friend and colleague, Susan, designed and created this quilt just for Mattie. Mattie loved it and I still use the quilt even today. Mattie was indeed our "Super Mattie!"












Quote of the day: She is nine, beloved, as open-faced as the sky and as self-contained. I have watched her grow. As recently as three or four years ago, she had a young child's perfectly shallow receptiveness; she fitted into the world of time, it fitted into her, as thoughtlessly as sky fits its edges, or a river its banks. But as she has grown, her smile has widened with a touch of fear and her glance has taken on depth. Now she is aware of some of the losses you incur by being here--the extortionary rent you have to pay as long as you stay. ~ Annie Dillard

It was a glorious weather day in Southern California today. The high was close to 70 degrees and the sun was shining brightly against the most beautiful blue sky. It is ironic that in 24 hours I will be back in Washington, DC and experiencing a completely different climate.

Unlike Mattie, I hate air travel! I find it harrowing and I dislike being in a confined space with a lot of people. But mostly the movement of the plane makes me feel sick. I can safely say that my fear of air travel increased significantly since Mattie's death. There are a lot of things now which affect my comfort zone, and airplanes are at the top of the list.

My mom and I did our usual walk today. This is something that I will miss, because I am NOT inspired to walk when it is cold outside. I went out to lunch with my parents and we talked about a miniseries that I introduced them to entitled, Titanic Blood and Steel. As my faithful readers know, I am fascinated by the Titanic and this 12 episode miniseries was just fantastic. I think a part of me understood the cultural and religious tensions the series portrayed in Belfast because I visited this city in August. But even without knowing a thing about Belfast, this series brings you up to speed quickly!

If my readers get the Encore channel, I HIGHLY recommend the miniseries. It gives you a fictionalize account of the challenges of building the Titanic, but it does it in a compelling way. You completely get absorbed into the lives of each of the characters and it helps you understand the devastation families must have suffered when their loved ones died on the Titanic. Remember most of the working class passengers on the Ship were pioneers. They had the courage to leave their home countries to establish a life of FREEDOM for themselves in America. Any case, if you want to read more about this breathtakingly done series, follow this link: http://www.starz.com/originals/titanicbloodandsteel

I am signing off for today, with the hopes of returning to DC safely tomorrow. My next posting will be from home. 

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

 

Tuesday, January 1, 2013 -- Mattie died 173 weeks ago today.


Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2008. Mattie was home recovering from his limb salvaging surgeries. We had a hospital bed in our living room and as you can see Mattie had a hand crafted wreath around his head. Mattie's art teacher, Debbie, had all his friends at school help create this gift for him. Mattie loved the messages on each of the green papered leaves. This wreath remains on the back of our front door even today.





Quote of the day: The house is eerily quiet. All this time I thought silence would be a welcome reprieve, but it's less comforting than I imagined. The house feels so much bigger and colder than it ever has. ~ Hannah Harrington


My mom and I went for a four mile walk today. We try to do this each day while I am here. Though the temperature was cold by California standards, for me in comparison to Washington, DC it was lovely. The sun was shining and the sky was that perfect sort of blue. The ironic part is when I get talking and walking I have no concept for time, laps, or distance. I can just keep on walking. Walking was one of those things I found early to be therapeutic for me after Mattie died.

While I was walking on this coast, Peter was walking on Roosevelt Island. However when I saw his photos from the Island, I could see the greyness of DC that I hate so much at this time of year. We had a quiet New Year's day together and to some extent I would say since Mattie's death I am somewhat disoriented to time and events. The only reason I know it is January is because of Foundation activities and deadlines upon me. The funny part is typically the fall season is a slower time for the Foundation, but this year that was not the case. We had a very productive fall, and as we roll into January, I have to hit the ground running on our two main events..... a Psychosocial Think Tank in California in February and our Annual Awareness Walk in May.

Wednesday is my last full day in California, since I fly home on Thursday afternoon. We want to wish all of our readers a very happy and healthy 2013. Thank you for supporting us and for checking in with us through the blog. This means a lot to us. Happy New Year!
 

Monday, December 31, 2012

Monday, December 31, 2012

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2008. This was our last Christmas season with Mattie. That was a rough holiday, however, in comparison to now, it was much easier. Which is saying a lot, since in 2008 we were dealing with living in a hospital, no privacy, constant stress, fear, and instability. Several of Mattie's support team members gave him Christmas gifts, and as you can see he attached Santa to his wheelchair and put the Christmas stockings on his feet rather than hanging them up! Also featured was a 'Dunkin Donuts' Donut in Mattie's hand. That was one of his foods of choice while undergoing chemotherapy. Some of my faithful blog readers may recall our motto.... one donut a day and everything will be okay!


Quote of the day: My life is now divided into two periods: With June and After June. I can't wrap my mind around the idea of it. ~ Hannah Harrington


I spent the day helping my mom in various ways from putting away Christmas decorations to going with her to buy plants and mulch and then adding flowers to her garden. Such a thing would be IMPOSSIBLE to do in Washington, DC. It is too cold to plant anything. But this isn't true in Southern California. It is hard to believe while we are struggling with 30 degree weather and snow, there are parts of this country which are green and sunny. It is quite a reality check! Any case, on December 31, I was outside sitting on the grass and planting. I head back to the cold on Thursday and soon this warmer climate will be just a memory.

We went out to dinner tonight and on our way home we decided to drive through the town to check out Christmas lights. One of my parent's friends told us about an incredible display. WOW were they correct! I tried to capture this sight on camera, but it just doesn't do it justice. When you drive up to this house, there is a sign out front which tells you to tune into 88.7FM on your car radio. The lights are timed to the music. The show is three minutes long and it is absolutely fantastic. I never saw anything like it!

This is another picture of the timed light show. When I tell you that every part of this house lights up, I am NOT kidding. The lawn, the roof, the trees, the house, and the walkway. It is amazing and so beautifully timed to Christmas music.

The last song in the show is Auld Lang Syne. It was a beautiful white light display to ring in the new year. To all our blog readers, thank you for checking in on us throughout 2012. You made the year more bearable for us. We wish you the best of health and happiness in 2013, and we thank you for continuing on our journey with us. I end tonight's posting with an article about Auld Lang Syne. We certainly hear these words EVERY year, but how many of us really know the translation of this Scottish tune?

 

 

'Auld Lang Syne’: What Does it Mean Again? from ABC News

Here it is. The answer to a perennial question of what on earth does “Auld Lang Syne” mean? The confusion over the song is arguably almost as much of a tradition as the song itself. As revelers stumble and mumble through the verses–singing the “auld lang syne” part much louder than the rest of the song because it’s really the only part people know–someone always asks what the words mean. The title of the Scottish tune translates to “times gone by” and is about remembering friends from the past and not letting them be forgotten.

Despite its strong association with New Year’s Eve, “Auld Lang Syne,” written by Robert Burns in the 1700s, was never intended to be a holiday song. Guy Lombardo is credited with popularizing the song when his band used it as a segue between two radio programs during a live performance at the Roosevelt Hotel in New York in 1929. By coincidence, they played “Auld Lang Syne” just after the clock hit midnight, and a New Year’s tradition was born.

The song, and the confusion that comes with it, has been immortalized in countless movies and TV shows. In “When Harry Met Sally,” Billy Crystal’s baffled Harry wonders, “What does this song mean? My whole life, I don’t know what this song means. I mean, ‘Should old acquaintance be forgot?’ Does that mean that we should forget old acquaintances. Or does it mean that if we happened to forget them, we should remember them, which is not possible because we already forgot them?” “Well, maybe it just means that we should remember that we forgot them or something,” Sally reasons. “Anyway, it’s about old friends.”

So as you surround yourself with friends old and new tonight, sing on.
And if you really want to impress people, here are the lyrics to the English translated version of the song you’ll probably hear:

Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and never brought to mind?
Should old acquaintance be forgot,
and auld lang syne?

CHORUS:
For auld lang syne, my dear,
for auld lang syne,
we’ll take a cup of kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.
And surely you’ll buy your pint cup
and surely I’ll buy mine!
And we’ll take a cup o’ kindness yet,
for auld lang syne.

CHORUS
We two have run about the slopes,
and picked the daisies fine ;
But we’ve wandered many a weary foot,
since auld lang syne.

CHORUS
We two have paddled in the stream,
from morning sun till dine;
But seas between us broad have roared
since auld lang syne.

CHORUS
And there’s a hand my trusty friend !
And give us a hand o’ thine !
And we’ll take a right good-will draught,
for auld lang syne.

 

 

 

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007. This photo was featured on the cover of our Christmas cards that year. Two things became a tradition in our holiday photo. The first was Mattie always wore a cute holiday sweater and the second was Mattie's Christmas train was always featured prominently under our tree.


Quote of the day: It's being without him that I'll never get used to. ~  Christopher Buecheler


We went to see a play today entitled, Sherlock's Last Case. In many ways this play is a spoofy comedy, in which Sherlock Holmes is the victim of a crime. Holmes has to put his own deductive reasoning and skills to the test to save his own life.
 
This play picks up from where the famous Sir Arthur Conan Doyle stories ended. It centers on a death threat against Sherlock Holmes by the supposed son of his late nemesis, Professor Moriarty. Oddly enough, however, Holmes is warned of the plot by Moriarty’s daughter, to whom Holmes is strongly attracted. The plot then twists and turns until Holmes finds himself imprisoned in a dank cellar, trapped not by young Moriarty but, to his shocked surprise, by the good Dr. Watson—who, it turns out, has long been bitterly resentful of his second class status as Holmes’ lackey. After Holmes’ supposed demise Watson comes into his own, or seems to, until a number of imposters turn up claiming to be the real Sherlock Holmes.

There were many issues I had with this play. Putting the lack luster performances aside, the writing of the play was simply sloppy. Holmes has a brilliant mind and can quickly size up information and people in order to see the big picture. However, so many aspects within this play made no sense. Holmes was given clues that weren't accurate and he did not even question or challenge them, which is completely out of character given his personality type. So all logic went out the window in this story line. But my biggest issue with the play was the content. Holmes and Watson historically have been partners and friends, they go together as well as peanut butter and jelly. It is a given! Yet in this play we see a different side of Watson. The side which resents Holmes. Watson despises the fact that Holmes gets all the glory and he is seen as only his side kick. Therefore, what does this well respected doctor decide to do? Well murder Holmes of course! Again totally out of character, but if that wasn't bad enough, after the failed attempt on Holmes' life, these two seem to brush this mishap aside to continue working and living together under the same roof. Watson did apologize, said he made a mistake, and that he loves Holmes as a friend but really............ what kind of friend and colleague was this if he felt the need to murder Holmes? Needless to say I did not see the comedy in any of this!

 

As we were driving in my parent's neighborhood today, the LA Cappuccinos were out in full force. They were on the grasses and on the road. The deer have no problem walking up to a house and eating flowers in the garden and leaves right off the trees.

The deer rule in the Burbank Hills. They have the right away in the roads and people just seem to understand this! These deer have beautifully long ears black tails, and at this time of year almost woolly coats!

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Saturday, December 29, 2012

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2006, Mattie was 4 and a half years old. It was a holiday tradition by that point to take a photo of Mattie by our tree and feature it on the front of our family's holiday cards. Mattie's Christmas train also made it into the picture that year. Mattie LOVED that train, and he especially loved it moving around the track, as it played Christmas music and puffs of smoke came out of its stack!

Quote of the day: There is no teacher more discriminating or transforming than loss. ~ Pat Conroy


Our original plans today involved going to the Getty Museum in Malibu. However, given that it was pouring, cold, and grey, we decided not to make the drive. The Getty Museum in Malibu is actually housed in a beautiful villa. The villa is surrounded by incredible vegetation and gardens and the ideal way to see this entire complex is on a sunny day so you can walk and tour around freely.

So we mobilized plan b. My parents wanted to see Les Mis, the movie. This year is the 25th anniversary of this legendary musical. Peter and I saw the 25th revival of the musical at the Kennedy Center recently and I absolutely HATED it! In fact, if this had been the first Les Mis I ever saw, I would have most likely wondered what all the hype was about. The staging of this revival was awful, the singing was just so-so, and basically the musical left me flat without evoking the emotion that is associated with Les Mis.

I have to admit I wasn't interested in seeing the movie. After all, I just saw the musical and how could a movie replace live theatre? In addition to this feeling I also did not want to sit through this three hour long movie based on the content of the movie. Les Mis, as I am sure all my readers know, is VERY emotional. It involves all sorts of LOSSES and deep grief.

Yet despite my hesitation I absolutely LOVED the movie. It is worth seeing and I can see why people are raving about this movie. It was certainly better than the live musical I recently saw. However, I recommend bringing lots of tissues. The live musical evokes all sorts of feelings, but the movie almost compounds these feelings by a factor of ten!

Tom Hooper, the director of this film, is to be given credit for the brilliance of bringing a musical to life on film. This is the first filmed musical of its kind in which the singing did not take place in a sound studio separated from the acting. In the past, all musicals involved recording the singing before hand and then when the actors got in front of the camera, they were actually lip syncing to the pre-recorded music! This is NOT what happened in Les Mis. Instead the songs were sung right before our eyes. What this is able to achieve is real passion, emotion, and creativity. To help explain what I am talking about, I included a four minute video link that describes the technology used in this movie. This video also helped me to understand why EVERY scene that involved singing within the movie had to be shot by a hand held camera at a very close angle to the performer. This enabled the sound to be picked up properly and to also hide the fact that microphones were hanging over the heads of the actors.  

http://screenrant.com/les-miserables-music-songs-featurette/

Peter is a huge Les Mis fan and he is headed to the theatre to see it tomorrow. I am curious to hear his reactions. There are subtle differences between the musical and the movie, and in many ways the film is able to embellish on the story line in ways that are hard to capture on a stage. Nonetheless, this musical always makes me reflect on Mattie's loss. There is just such emotion in the music, that it would be impossible for my mind NOT to drift to Mattie. For example, when Marius sings "Empty Chairs at Empty Tables," the lyrics absolutely get me......

There's a grief that can't be spoken
There's a pain goes on and on
Empty chairs at empty tables
Now my friends are dead and gone 

Though Marius is talking about his friends who died for a cause at the barricades, I do relate to the notion of empty chairs and tables in my own home. This emptiness does provide "a pain that goes on and on!" Schonberg (the composer) seems to comprehend the depths of such a great loss and his music enables me to feel understood.  

Friday, December 28, 2012

Friday, December 28, 2012

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2007. Mattie was five years old and this photo was featured on the front of our holiday card that year. All this week, I have tried to show you chronological pictures of Mattie at Christmas time. However, I had a VERY hard time finding this particular photo. It wasn't in ANY of my files. Fortunately Peter backs up all our photos onto disks and he was able to retrieve this for me and the blog. I remember taking this photo as if it were yesterday. We took Mattie to Clyde's at Tower Oaks (in Maryland), and he posed for me outside by the restaurant's pond and shrubs. You maybe seeing a trend in these photos..... Mattie liked the color RED. He and I shared a favorite color.


Quote of the day: When love dies, the heart's ashes do not leave on the wind—they rest on the mantelpiece of the soul, darkening the sunrise we once saw to be beautiful. ~  A.M. Hudson


While I know it is frigid on the East Coast and some regions are getting snow, I am happy to say that I am escaping this weather for two weeks. Though it isn't balmy here in Los Angeles, it is much milder and the sun has been shining since I got here. There is so much more one can do year round here and case in point, my mom and I went for a four mile walk this morning. I love to walk, but I am not as motivated to do so when it is grey and cold.

We had the opportunity to go out to lunch with one of my dad's friends from work. I have known this individual since I was in high school. My parents moved to California when I was in high school, therefore, I only lived here for three years. We have no other family living in California, however, over time my parent's friends became like our adopted family members.

 

On our way home this afternoon, look who was crossing right in front of our car! The blacktail deer that live in my parent's neighborhood. Or as I affectionately call them the LA Cappuccino's!

 

There were mature deer and young ones mixed into this bunch! These deer are very trusting of the humans that surround them, and coming from DC, I find this an absolutely remarkable sight!  

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Tonight's picture was taken in December of 2004. This was Mattie's third Christmas and this photo was featured on the front of our holiday card that year. By that age (2 1/2 years old), Mattie understood the art of sitting still for a photo  and he particularly understood that this photo was going to be seen by all our family and friends.

Quote of the day: Yet the story of Orpheus, it occurs to me, is not just about the desire of the living to resuscitate the dead but about the ways in which the dead drag us along into their shadowy realm because we cannot let them go. So we follow them into the Underworld, descending, descending, until one day we turn and make our way back. ~ Meghan O'Rourke


Today we ventured to the Los Angeles County Museum of Art to see a special collection of Caravaggio's works. In fact this is the largest exhibit of his work in this Country EVER! Mind you the sum total of Caravaggio's pieces on display were EIGHT paintings. That's not many, but it's more than most American museums have had together in 25 years. Even New York's mighty Metropolitan Museum of Art couldn't get a lot of the greatest works for 1985's landmark "The Age of Caravaggio," because such loans are very difficult to secure (especially from Italy). The remaining 50+ paintings on display in this exhibit were created by contemporaries of Caravaggio. Artists influenced by Caravaggio's self taught style. It was very unusual back then for an artist to be self taught, but in many ways Caravaggio was a head of his time. Which may explain why his art is so understood and considered poignant today. Caravaggio strayed away from painting landscapes and practically all of his paintings have NO backdrops at all. The majority of his backgrounds on his canvases are black. However, two things in my mind define Caravaggio. The first one was his incredible use of lighting. I am not sure how his subjects within the painting look illuminated, but this feature is stunning. As if a light is shining on them and creating light and shadow! The second feature that defines Caravaggio was his use of facial expressions and capturing the emotions of a situation. His paintings evoke feelings, and these feelings inspire you to chat about the piece. I have no doubt his art was designed for this purpose in mind. The reason why Caravaggio's works stand the test of time is because his works capture real human emotions..... emotions we can all relate to such as fear, jealousy, betrayal, desire, guilt, and sadness.

Here is a description about today's exhibit written by the LA County Museum of Art..............Bodies and Shadows: Caravaggio and His Legacy introduces the work of Michelangelo Merisi da Caravaggio (1571–1610), one of the most popular artists of the past, rivaling in fame both Michelangelo and Leonardo da Vinci. The stories of Caravaggio's life are legend, more myth than history, describing traits of personality, including passion and brutality, that came to describe the unique qualities of his work. The exhibition, made up of 56 works in all, including a record eight works by Caravaggio himself, covers the evolution of his style. Caravaggio's legacy is expressed in work by about twenty artists from Italy, Spain, France and the Netherlands who carried into the late 17th century the strangeness, beauty and raw emotion of his work. The fame of Caravaggio (1571–1610) is a relatively recent one. One hundred years ago, a list of the greatest painters of the Italian school would not have included his name. Raphael, Michelangelo, Leonardo, or Titian were considered then to be the pillars of Italian painting. Yet today Caravaggio has become an artist whose works appeal to a large public. In Rome, where many of his greatest paintings are kept in churches, tourists line up to admire them, as they do the Sistine Chapel or the great Baroque sculptures of Bernini. His paintings captivate and engage us in a way few others from that period do. Suddenly, a painter of the late sixteenth and early seventeenth centuries seems to speak our language, share our passions. Even if the subjects he represents do not stray from the classical canon of religious iconography, his models are clearly made of our flesh and of our blood. He is, in other words, a painter of our time. Born in a small town near Milan, Caravaggio brought the earthy but refined naturalism of his Lombard training to Rome, where the Catholic Church was driving its powerful Counter-Reformation engines. Art had a job to do in corralling the faithful — not to mention seducing wealthy patrons — and Caravaggio, who arrived in the extravagant city in 1592 at age 21, meant to oblige.

 

Caravaggio had a colorful past which involved many brawls and even a murder. Clearly a volatile person, filled with great emotion. Such emotion comes through in his paintings. I was unable to photograph anything I saw today, but I did download three paintings from the Museum's website. Unfortunately, the photos do not do the works justice. This painting is entitled, St. John the Baptist in the Wilderness. It was unheard of at the time to portray St. John as a young man, and certainly as a young man barely dressed! In many ways this young man looks like a mere mortal, not a saint, but Caravaggio integrated his wearing of a red robe in the painting to indicate his connection with Christ.

 

This is entitled, "Portrait of Maffeo Barberini" and it is a painting recently recognized as an original work of art (and previously exhibited only twice, in 1861 and 2011) and displays some characteristics of Caravaggio’s early work, such as the delicate still life in the foreground, a decorative element that Caravaggio used on several occasions but that disappeared from later, more mature works. Unfortunately the photo doesn't do this still life justice. In person, these flowers have depth, light, and life!

 

This painting is entitled, "St. Francis of Assisi in Ecstasy." Here the face of St. Francis was thought to be a self-portrait of Caravaggio himself. The angel was granting St. Francis his wish, which was to experience the suffering of Christ on the cross. Regardless of the content, the tenderness of this angel holding and caring for St. Francis was captivating.

After the exhibit we all went out to lunch together, walked around, and shopped in different stores in an outside town center. The beauty of Southern California is that outdoor shopping areas are indeed possible. This could never happen in Washington, DC, where it is cold during the winter and broiling in the summer months. It is fascinating to see how climate impacts how we live our lives and how warmer weather motivates people to spend more time outside. The lack of winter greyness here is a definite plus to see during the month of December!

 

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Tonight's picture was taken in 2003. This photo was used as the cover of our family Christmas card. This was Mattie's second Christmas, and at 20 months of age Mattie was VERY active, full of energy, and trying to get him to sit still for a photo was NEXT to impossible. Yet we thought creatively. We took Mattie to Lowe's and Home Depot. We put him in a shopping cart and tried to distract him with plants and lights and began snapping pictures. I am sure everyone around us thought we were odd, but that did not stop us. After MANY, MANY attempts, this was the picture we selected for 2003's card.


Quote of the day: There is an hour, a minute - you will remember it forever - when you know instinctively on the basis of the most inconsequential evidence, that something is wrong. You don't know - can't know - that it is the first of a series of "wrongful" events that will culminate in the utter devastation of your life as you have known it. ~ Joyce Carol Oates


I can't say that my mood improved much today after last night's fiasco. However, in my email inbox today I found a message from my friend and college roommate, Leslie. Leslie read my posting last night and reached out to me to let me know that while visiting family she turned on the radio and heard a story entitled, "Finding New Meaning in the Loss of A Son." I believe Leslie sent me the message to validate the fact that I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings. That other moms out there who have lost a child to cancer do express the same pains I do, continually, and especially during the holidays.

The main problem with grief is so many people do not understand it and want me to push it under the rug. As if that will make me feel better. However, asking me to do this actually makes me feel worse, unappreciated and completely misunderstood. I am tired of the ignorance and how some people can make me feel CRAZY! I have learned to tolerate it, but there are times when I am more vulnerable and therefore such insensitivity impacts me greatly. I am happy Leslie brought this article to my attention, and I believe my readers maybe familiar with Ronan, a little boy who lost his battle with neuroblastoma two years ago. The reason why so many may know of his story is because Taylor Swift created and sang a song about Ronan's battle recently in a Stand up to Cancer concert. Not all of us who lost our children to cancer have big named celebrities like Taylor Swift singing about the loss, but what this song did accomplish was it helped to raise awareness about childhood cancer and it raised incredible funds for the Foundation created in Ronan's memory. I have attached the article below in case you would like to read it.

Finding New Meaning In The Loss Of A Son
http://www.npr.org/2012/12/24/167977997/finding-new-meaning-in-the-loss-of-a-son

After I read the article, I then visited Maya Thompson's blog. Maya is Ronan's mom, and like me she writes a daily blog. I had the opportunity to read her Christmas day posting. Though Maya writes with expletives, which I rarely use even in conversation, our messages are similar. The title of her Christmas posting was..... Do you think there will ever come a time when Christmas lights won’t be blurry from my tears? (http://rockstarronan.com/) I have attached an excerpt from her current posting...................
 Ronan. A couple of things dawned on me tonight after I dropped by dinner to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. I was walking back to my car and I just f***ing lost it. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but before I knew it, I was sobbing so hard it was all I could do to make it to my car before my tears formed puddles at my feet and I just slowly drowned. Once I got to my car, I knew it would be a while before I was able to leave the parking lot. I buried my head into the steering wheel and just gave into everything I needed to let out. It’s been a few days since I’ve really cried and I guess I’ve been holding a lot in by distracting myself and being so busy. Soon, my head was filled with thoughts that I couldn’t control. And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. “F***. F***. F***. F***.” I think in the back of my mind a small part of me thought that I am selfishly doing everything I am doing in this world, for myself. That somehow by doing everything I am doing, this pain will someday become less and maybe someday, I won’t miss you so much that it hurts this badly, all of the time. In a way, I wanted that to be true but I know after tonight, that this won’t ever be the case. There is not a part of me that is doing any of this for myself because I don’t live for myself anymore. This life I live now is not about me anymore. It’s about helping other people as much as I can and in anyway that I can in this totally f***ed up world where I cannot even see Christmas lights properly because they are always so blurry from my falling tears. Right in the middle of my breakdown, your Sparkly called.


The sentiments expressed by Ronan's mom really resonate with me. When she says that she no longer lives for herself, I completely understand. It is as if your mind and body become possessed and your sole mission becomes remembering and honoring your dead child. As harsh as that sounds it is the reality of the picture and perhaps we cling to doing for others because it is through this that it keeps our child alive. It also gives us a purpose and a mission, when the one true mission we had for years died. The loss of a child is pervasive, it affects every corner, fiber, and cell of one's being, and I can't think of anything more hurtful than when I see others around me not understand this and worse not allow me the space to feel the way that I do. Ironically, I remember learning while training to be a counselor the damage that one negative word can do to a person. So much so that it may 10 positive words and affirmations to repair such damage. It means a lot to me that several of my friends reached out to me today to combat this negativity. I realize this is the holiday season and everyone is busy, but words and acts of kindness are never forgotten.