Friday, June 17, 2022

Friday, June 17, 2022

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009. As you can see, Mattie was wiped out. It took a lot to knock him out, but cancer and multiple surgeries took their toll. That day, Mattie's friend in cancer, Jocelyn, gave him "sunshine." Sunshine was a stuff animal, an albino boa to be specific. Jocelyn knew Mattie met a live albino boa at his 7th birthday party, so she got this plush fellow as a reminder. Sunshine traveled around with us and to this day, Sunshine remains in my bedroom at home. It is hard to believe that Mattie and Jocelyn both died from osteosarcoma. 

Quote of the day: Perspective is an incredibly powerful tool. It tempers how we receive information, and guides what we choose to do with it. ~ T. A. Sorensen

After my usual routine, I got my dad in his recliner around 11am, and then finished the Foundation Walk 2022 video. I have no idea if others truly enjoy or appreciate these videos. But I know I do, and it is a wonderful illustration of the energy around our virtual event. I greatly appreciate people wearing orange and supporting us each and every year. The loyalty of our supporters is a true miracle and one that does not go unnoticed or appreciated. 

The video actually takes me about a month to put together. It was funny, one day while driving to get groceries (about a week before the Walk in May), I heard a snippet of a song on the radio. It really captured me, especially its lyrics... this goes out to the drifters, and to the dreamers...." The song is upbeat and energetic and my immediate thought was..... this is perfect for the Walk video. Because I did not hear the song from the beginning, I had to google the lyric I heard and learned that the song's title is Wild Heart by Keith Urban. 

After the Walk is over, it takes me about a week to locate all photos from the event and to download them from the Internet. Then of course from there I have to create a storyboard for the video. All in all, this project took me weeks, and frankly given all that I balance on any given day, I am amazed I put this together. I say that because I no longer have moments of time where I can sit still and concentrate. I am constantly being pulled away and juggling various needs at one time. 

Needless to say, I am pleased with how the video turned out and it is just in time, as I am in the midst of writing our June newsletter, headed to go out electronically next week. The video has historically been featured in our post-Walk newsletter, and I am a person who likes to stick to tradition. 

Mattie Miracle's Walk 2022 Video: 

Thursday, June 16, 2022

Thursday, June 16, 2022

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009. Mattie was in the outpatient clinic that day with his friend, Maya. Mattie and Maya were good buddies and they did many creative projects together over the course of a year. That day, they created a performance stage within a cardboard box. Then they performed a whole show for us and others in the clinic. The theme of the show was space aliens!

Quote of the day: I am seeking, I am not lost. I am forgetful, I am not gone. ~ Koenig Coste

My dad's memory care center has had a surge in COVID. Some families have decided to pull their loved ones from the Center this week. I can understand decisions made either way. I elected to send my dad in on Monday and Wednesday. He gets tested daily and was required to wear a mask this week. Thankfully he is fine. Today I learned that the Center is closing down tomorrow to do a deep clean of the facility. They will reopen on Tuesday, with testing daily again next week. Honestly if it isn't one thing, it is another to worry about. 

Since the Center is not allowing in visitors or outside contractors this week, my dad's physical therapist came to the house today. I have been communicating with him through text messaging for weeks now. It was lovely to meet him in person and to go over my dad's exercises with him personally. He is an absolutely charming and professional person and I wish every therapist was this easy to work with. He gets along with my dad and the funny part is the therapist tells me that my dad is very compliant at the Center. However, at home, he can see that my dad pushes back and is more stubborn about getting up and doing his exercises. I felt vindicated to hear this, because getting my dad to do anything is like pulling teeth. If he had his way, he would sit in his recliner and sleep the day away. He only wants to move for meals and bathroom breaks. It truly is pitiful, or it is from my perspective. From my lens he has no joy in living. Of course this is my lens, not his. He is a far more sedentary person than me and therefore, whenever judging his quality of life, I have to look at it through his eyes. But trying to stimulate and engage him is close to impossible! Which is why going to the memory center is crucial. Sleeping the day away is not good both physically and mentally. 

Sunny went back to the oncology center today for follow up blood work and ultrasounds. I received a surprising call mid-afternoon letting us know that Sunny IS responding to treatment. The tumors in the adrenals, spleen, and bladder are slightly smaller. Which implies that we are dealing with cancer and I am glad I made the decision to start oral chemotherapy. Given that getting tissue samples from Sunny would compromise his life, we truly did not know if we were dealing with cancer. So I had to gamble between giving NO treatment or to try treatment. Given our experiences with cancer, we know the definite outcome of NO treatment (assuming Sunny had cancer). Each of the tumors has shrunk and the oncologist sounded very pleased with the progress in two weeks. Way to go Sunny!

Wednesday, June 15, 2022

Wednesday, June 15, 2022

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009, on the day of Mattie's sternotomy. This was a sight Peter and I got used to seeing... Mattie post surgery with IVs everywhere, bandages, drains, pressure cuffs, catheters, and a very weak and typically in pain child. It was hard to see your child like this and frankly no matter how much time lapses, I am not sure this is something that will ever be erased from my mind. 

Quote of the day: If we value our children, we must cherish their parents. ~ John Bowlby

My dad went to his memory care center today. While he was gone I tried to do some work and was on a conference call. By mid-day, I took my mom out for a salad, as leaving the house is important for mental sanity. 

The restaurant we went to had an outdoor patio. My mom loves the heat, so we decided to sit outside. It did not last long because we ran into a psycho squirrel. I am NOT a big squirrel fan to begin with. Typically I stay clear of them. As we approached the table, the squirrel circled around us and the table. As if we were getting too close to his nest. However, this table wasn't anywhere near the greenery. In any case, as I moved the chair to sit down, the squirrel jumped on my leg. Fortunately I had the menus against my leg and he hit the menu and did not touch my skin. I batted the squirrel away as if he was a tennis ball. That did not STOP him. He kept after us and then literally jumped on the arm of the woman next to us. That was enough. We never sat down. Instead, I went inside the restaurant to complain and asked for a table inside. However, I really wanted the management to know that there is a serious squirrel problem outside. This one isn't a cute furry fellow, but a menace that is bound to bite and scratch someone soon!

Typically when you get close to a squirrel, it will run away. A sick squirrel is more likely to display aggressive or hostile behavior towards people. Did you know that the teeth of squirrels are constantly growing, so they need to be worn down daily with plenty of gnawing. Able to chew through wood, plastic, rubber, and even metal with their strong teeth, these pests can deliver painful bites that draw blood. While healthy squirrels will not bite unless provoked, the chances of getting rabies from a squirrel bite is unlikely, as they very rarely become infected with rabies and have not been known to cause rabies among humans. With that said,  being bitten by a squirrel can possibly contain pathogens and/or diseases due to the animal’s feral lifestyle. 

All I can say is I am thrilled that I wasn't bitten by this psycho squirrel today and when I got home I wrote a formal complaint to the restaurant. I am a nature lover, but having an aggressive squirrel on the lose serves no one and it is a matter of time until it strikes out at a person or child. I will be curious if the restaurant responds to me, because what I do know is the lack luster response I received inside the restaurant wasn't appreciated. 

Tuesday, June 14, 2022

Tuesday, June 14, 2022 -- Mattie died 663 weeks ago today.

Tonight's picture was taken in the Spring of 2006. Mattie was in preschool, and Peter visited that day. Despite Peter's work schedule, he made time to engage with Mattie's school, to volunteer, and he even did a coconut cutting presentation for the children. Mattie's teacher, snapped this photo that day in class and sent it to me. It is truly hard to grasp that both Mattie and his teacher, Margaret, are no longer alive. 

Quote of the day: Sometimes our work as caregivers is not for the faint of heart. But, you will never know what you’re made of until you step into the fire. Step bravely. ~ Deborah A. Beasley

I consider myself a very organized person who can manage multiple things at one time. But balancing the care of my parents is a full time job times ten. I spend every waking moment jumping from one task or chore to the other. Never accomplishing much for myself. To say I am frustrated some days is an understatement beyond proportion. 

On an aside, I was reading to my parents this morning the daily news from my dad's memory care center. The news is always historical, interesting, and at times funny. One of today's passages was about MAILING babies and children through parcel post. I honestly couldn't believe what I was reading, so I did a little digging and indeed at one point in time (~1913) Americans mailed children through the actual mail. I mean literally, by attaching stamps to their coats. It was cheaper to buy the stamps to send a child by Railway Mail than to buy him or her a ticket on a passenger train.

This happened to about 7 children in total. I included the link for you to read it for yourself: https://www.history.com/news/mailing-children-post-office

Mailing babies was never the goal of the new parcel system and once the authorities realized that people were using it outside its intended purpose, they put a stop to it. In 1920, the Post Office Department officially put an end to baby mail. This was after new postal regulations barring the mailing of human beings were enforced. 

The first child to be sent via mail was James Beagle in 1913. He was an eight-month old baby who weighed 10 and 3/4 pounds and was sent from Ohio to his grandmother’s house in Batavia (also in Ohio). His parents paid 15 cents for postage and $50 for insurance.

All I could think was this was a very different world back then! The article mentions that people weren't turning their children over to strangers. That in many cases they knew their postal people very well. The mailmen actually road the mail train with the children, tended to them, cared for them if ill, and hand delivered the children to their destination. I can't imagine this whatsoever given my 2022 lens. Not sure if you find this as fascinating as me, but thought I would share this tidbit from today. 

Monday, June 13, 2022

Monday, June 13, 2022

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009. Mattie was in the hospital recovering from his sternotomy. The little R2D2 Star Wars figure you see in front of Mattie was given to him by his lung surgeon (I have it still!). This was an incredible doctor, who was not only extremely competent, but very compassionate and cared about his patients. SO MUCH so that we NEVER saw a resident. He personally visited Mattie post-surgery. 

By the time Mattie needed lung surgery, Peter and I were skilled at understanding the hospital system. So we told this surgeon we wanted a pre-surgical meeting with the team. Ensuring that everyone was on the same page about the surgery and most importantly recovery! Though this surgeon never had such pre-meetings before, he complied and organized one. After the meeting was over, he thanked us for having the meeting and understood why it was vital for our family. Do you know that even now, this surgeon is a yearly Mattie Miracle contributor?!

Quote of the day: Self-compassion is simply giving the same kindness to ourselves that we would give to others. ~ Christopher Germer

Tonight's quote resonates with me, particularly because I am very hard on myself. If I have a negative thought or feel angry, I interpret this as something is wrong with me. As if I am not entitled to these feelings and that I have to snap out of it. However, then I stop and think to myself..... how would someone else in my same position feel? I truly believe that most people doing what I do day in and day out would have cracked up by now. As I am not just providing care to my dad, I am caring for my mom, Sunny with cancer, this large house, and trying to run a Foundation. 

My parents occupy my every breathing hour. Today my mom made an appointment to meet up with a former student of mine. I would love for my mom to jump into the car herself, get to the meeting, and be able to have this connection without my involvement. But those days have long passed, and my involvement is now necessary. For those of you who know me well, I would imagine I am viewed as a listener who absorbs what people say and therefore am there to help and support. I believe this is how people have experienced me so when they meet with me now, for consistency sake, they most likely expect the same person. Certainly I can be this person, but now listening, emoting, and providing feedback takes energy. Energy I no longer have to expend. Instead now I need to be the talker, to be heard, not lectured to, but provided the outlet to be understood and supported.

When I am around others who tell me about their full lives, what they are accomplishing, and where they are going, I am happy for them on one hand and on the other, I think to myself..... what has become of my life? I have spent most of my adult life either caring for someone or dealing with a crisis. I have nothing to talk about now that is "normal." My life is filled with tracking bowel movements, helping with all activities of daily living, dolling out medication, and  providing structure, routine, and stability to two older adults. I am not saying this isn't an important job, as I know it is, but at the same time, I once again realize that most people can't relate to what I am doing, nor would want to. Therefore, this limits conversation and makes my life very isolating. This place of isolation is one I am quite familiar with and ironically I spent so many years after Mattie died, trying to re-stabilize. Whatever work I have done, I feel like I am back to square one and despite re-arranging my life for my parents, I find that nothing is ever good enough and someone is always unhappy. 

Sunday, June 12, 2022

Sunday, June 12, 2022

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009. Mattie was in the hospital, recovering from a sternotomy (to remove the 9 tumors in his lungs). Despite the fact that Mattie was part of the PICU nursing service (as he was a post-surgery patient), his oncology nurses came over and also cared for Mattie. This photo was spur of the moment. I did not ask his nurses to kiss him or pose. But this was how special each of these women were. Pictured with Mattie were Sarah Marshall (On the left, and a childhood cancer survivor herself. She was the nurse on duty the night/day Mattie died) and Ellen (one of Mattie's fabulous night nurses). 

Quote of the day: What you do speaks so loud that I cannot hear what you say. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Over breakfast today, my mom handed me an article from her AARP magazine. It was entitled, It’s Time to Throw Out Stereotypes on Aging. I included the link to the article, if you wanted to read it for yourself. Some of it leaves you wondering why they had to do a survey about this topic, but nonetheless, there are a few results that caused me to stop and pause. The one that caught my attention has to do with quality of life. No surprise, as this is an issue that is near and dear to me regarding any age. Just to put the results into context, more than 2,500 people participated, representing the full range of America’s backgrounds, demographics and ethnicities. Another 25 adults 40 years old and older participated in in-depth interviews. 

Here was one of the questions asked of participants.......Assume for a moment that there was a pill that could extend your life by 10 years. How likely would you be to take that pill?

Do you have an answer for yourself? I know I did immediately! My answer was I can't answer this question without having MORE information. Specifically I wanted to know whether this pill was also going to ensure my good health. Because having more years, without having good health, to me is pointless. Ironically, guess who also shared my philosophy????.... those 80 years and older!

The results found that around three-quarters of adults across all age ranges said they likely would take such a pill, but one interesting finding was that those 80 and older were the least interested. When the question was posed without an age guarantee, but instead cited the promise of slower aging with extended health, the likelihood shot up to around 85 percent. Makes perfect sense to me! This older adult age group gets it, they know that more years doesn't always equate with quality of life. Unfortunately for myself, I learned this lesson early on in life. 

Here is another question asked of participants that intrigued me.... How would you rate the overall quality of your life, on a scale of 1 to 10?

The results indicated that 2 out of 3 of the oldest adults, age 80 and older, say they’re living their “best possible life” or close to it, compared with just 1 in 5 younger adults. The article highlighted that psychologically, people notice and prioritize the positive and let the negative go as they age.

With regard to quality of life, the article stated:

“It’s the ticking clock theory: We all have to die; as you get closer, you think, Hey, what really matters? When you’re young, you may think, I’m going to suffer now because it’ll be worth it later. But later, you realize none of that made me as happy as being with my family or taking long walks every day,” she adds. 

As 70-year-old Richard, who is a retired financial planner, puts it: “I did what I did to make a living, and I enjoyed it. But once I walked away, I honestly didn’t miss it for 10 minutes. That’s not my identity. That’s not who I am. My wife and I are heavily involved in our church. We’ve done mission trips to Cambodia, to Rwanda, to Australia, to China — to help dig wells and build homes and those kinds of things. I consider that to be who we are.”

When I read the above two paragraphs, what came to my mind was THIS IS ME! I may not be 70 or 80, but I think like someone much older than myself. Mattie getting cancer and dying, caused me to have insights and different priorities from most people in my age group. I have learned that LATER isn't guaranteed, that a job, wealth, expensive trips and so forth isn't what life is all about. In fact, these things don't truly make us happy (long-term) at the end of the day. Life is about meaningful connections, helping others, and trying to absorb the beauty of nature all around us. Or at least that is what is important to me and gets me through the day. 

Saturday, June 11, 2022

Saturday, June 11, 2022

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009, shortly after Mattie's sternotomy, a surgery to remove tumors from his lungs. The healthcare team wanted Mattie to do breathing exercises  to help clear his lungs, and lower the risk of pneumonia. However, by this point in time, everyone knew Mattie wasn't going to work with a respiratory therapist. So his nurses came up with this clever game. It was a cup boat race between Sponge Bob and Patrick (the cartoon characters) in a wash basin. Mattie was hiding under a blanket, but was competing against Peter. Both of them were blowing on straws to make their cup boat get to the finish line. As you can see Sponge Bob was well in the lead. Mattie loved the spirit of competition and if one of us was playing along, he then was happy to comply with the exercise. 

Quote of the day: Courage is not having the strength to go on; it is going on when you don’t have the strength. ~ Theodore Roosevelt

I agree with Roosevelt's quote 100%. Today I felt like I hit an all time low in my energy level. I am so tired of getting up early each day and doing chore after chore. There hasn't been one break since November of 2021. It is hard on the body, mind, and spirit. 

After completing my usual daily routine, I took my parent's to our local farmer's market. It is literally a few blocks from us. It is small, but excellent. We love some of the vendors though I have gone to bigger markets, this one really meets my needs. I wanted to get my dad out of the car to walk, as he once LOVED to food shop. But he did not want to walk and stayed in the car. So I got what I needed and came back home to unpack and fold laundry. 

What is this? Try a smoked pig's ear. One of the tents at the market was selling these and I bought it in hopes of encouraging Sunny to eat. The irony is instead it is like "finding Waldo!" Sunny carries this treat from room to room, but has yet to take a bite!

I took my parents out for lunch today and we saw our favorite server, Dawn. Dawn has an outstanding rapport with my dad. It took me about 40 minutes to drive to the restaurant, which for me is exhausting, given how I am feeling. As soon as I pulled up to the restaurant, my dad said he had to go to the bathroom and quickly. I literally parked the car by the front door of the restaurant, put my hazard lights on, locked the car and took him directly to the bathroom. Today was one of those days, as he has diarrhea. I got him there in time (this time!). 

When we got to the table finally, my dad was joking with Dawn and he said to her because he treats her like family, he thinks the reason he was so humorous and lively today was because he just had a huge bowel movement. Can you believe this conversation? Fortunately Dawn did not skip and beat but she did say in all her years working, this was a first for her!!! Stick with us is what I told her. 

I thought since my dad went to the bathroom right before we ate, that I was going to have a peaceful meal! Forget it. Right after our entrees, he got that look! Which meant we had to go back to the bathroom, this time, apparently we weren't moving quickly enough. So it was all over him and I had a big clean up job to do in the bathroom. Fortunately I go no where without a large tote bag filled with things and thankfully have a strong stomach. As not everyone could handle this sight and smell right after eating. 

I have to admit after all of this (on top of months like this) that I got in the car and was very very tired. I got us home safely, but I am wiped out. So I am calling it quits for today and headed directly for the couch. 

Friday, June 10, 2022

Friday, June 10, 2022

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009. Mattie was visiting our friend Tanja, who introduced him to the family's paraquet. Mattie was intrigued and at the same time frightened of Ginny the bird. Ginny made a high pitched noise, flew freely, and pecked...all of which frightened Mattie. 

Quote of the day: Doctors diagnose, nurses heal, and caregivers make sense of it all. ~ Brett H. Lewis

I woke up at 6am today and have felt like I have been on a treadmill every since. It is 11pm, and I finally have a moment to myself. I had to get up early to feed Indie, give Sunny his pre-meds and chemotherapy (by the way, Sunny takes about 11 pills each day!), get showered and dressed, make breakfast and a snack for my mom and I to take to Georgetown, and then wake my dad up, get him washed, dressed, downstairs for breakfast, and get us all in the car by 9:20am. Not to mention start a load of laundry!

I dropped my dad off at his memory care center and then headed into the city to take my mom to the salon for her hair and nails. Because I found leaving my mom at the salon alone wasn't a good idea, I now schedule my own manicure and pedicure while she is there in order to keep track of her. The salon is near where I used to live in Georgetown. Each time I return to the city, I am saddened by its state of affairs. Unfortunately the encampments and graffiti have NOT been addressed, despite all my written correspondence with the city. 

What I realize is that the city is much easier for an abled body person. Today I parked the car and my mom and I walked about four blocks to the salon. Georgetown side walks are bricked and uneven. My mom had a hard time walking and I held her arm the entire way. 

I have known my manicurist since 2009, shortly after Mattie died. I was introduced to her through my hairstylist, as they are sisters. Back then going to get my nails done forced me out of our home and to interact with the world. Needless to say, I have gotten to know my manicurist VERY well over all these years. I came to her today with a major problem. The podiatrist cut away a good portion of my big toe nails this week. He wants to analyze them to see if my issue is a nail disease or trauma. The nail issue is so significant that I can't put color on my nails, as you would see more of my flesh than my nails. In any case, we found the perfect color today that helps camouflage the issue. Sounds all so trivial, but these little things can make me feel better, when in all reality I am drowning in an endless sea of problems. 

After the salon, I drove back to our home, dropped my mom off and let Sunny outside. Then drove to pick my dad up from the memory center. I took him home, and then turned around quickly to take them out for an early dinner. We went to a restaurant in Rockville, MD. It took me 90 minutes to get there because of horrific traffic. Why did I go there? Because Dawn works there. We met Dawn at the Clyde's of Reston (which closed its doors at the end of May). We get along splendidly with Dawn and she is great with my dad! So she is worth the trip, but after a long day, the ride was a killer. 

I snapped a photo of my dad eating a big piece of blueberry lemon bread. This bread was baked by my friend! Yes I travel to a restaurant with a big tote bag. The bag is filled with toiletry items for my dad, garbage bags, tissues, a bottle of ketchup, a bottle of vinegar, and a dessert for my dad. I feel certifiable! 

Of course no dinner is ever in peace. My dad has to always go to the bathroom mid-meal. I take him right into the ladies room, and I go into the large stall with him, because he needs assistance and guidance. In addition, he eats so fast, that he lands up having swallowing issues, hiccups, and don't ask me but when his stomach is full, his nose drips like a water faucet. 

The car trip home from the restaurant was quick, thankfully. I got home and had to give Sunny his evening pills. I then baked Sunny pork chops, because I am trying to entice him to eat. The chemo has greatly impacted his appetite. I folded laundry, unloaded the dishwasher, helped my mom with bills, and as you can see Indie is acting out because she wants my attention. By the end of the day, I am simply frazzled, and yet I have to mentally prepare because tomorrow the freneticism starts all over again. 

Thursday, June 9, 2022

Thursday, June 9, 2022

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009. Mattie was home between hospital treatments and playing in our living room. Our living room was filled to the brim with toys, gifts, and hospital equipment. Honestly at the time it made no difference as long as Mattie was stable, with no pain, and engaged. That feeling of living in the true present will never be forgotten. Nothing really mattered, other than what was going on at that particular moment in time. It is hard to describe, but all I can say is it is a real phenomenon when living with a day to day crisis. 

Quote of the day: A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures for anything. ~ Irish proverb

I did not sleep well last night. In fact I was up from 2-4am. I was startled awake by a thunder and lightning storm. I knew that Sunny would be besides himself. So I jumped out of bed and ran downstairs. I tried putting Sunny in our pantry closet, then the powder room, and finally the basement. Nothing worked. He was anxious, pacing, and panting. So despite my best efforts, he landed up walking up our stairs and spent the rest of the night in my shower. The reason I don't want Sunny upstairs is because he will not walk down the stairs himself. He can get up but NOT down. Someone has to carry him. Someone being Peter! Sunny is 60 pounds and I can't manage him on my own. 

This morning felt like it was a three ring circus. Peter was packing and leaving for a trip to California, our cleaning women were here, I was balancing my dad, and my two friends were coming for a visit. They were coming so I could go for a walk and my mom could have dialogue with someone other than me! It was a very thoughtful and positive visit. But I must admit because I never know how things will go with my parents, I get stressed out. In the midst of all of this, I also introduced my neighbor to Blanca, as my neighbor is looking for a new cleaning service. 

I met Blanca in 2008, when Mattie was diagnosed with cancer. At that time she was cleaning my neighbor's home. My neighbor understood all we were balancing with Mattie and he could see that we were rarely home. So he paid for Blanca to come and clean our townhouse. Prior to this, I always cleaned our home myself. But I could see I couldn't do it all, and I was grateful for the help. I came to appreciate Blanca so much, that now 14 years later, she still works with us! 

Meanwhile, I am still struggling trying to figure out how to best manage Sunny's chemotherapy and its side effects. I have let go of the notion that Sunny needs to eat two big meals a day. Instead, I now feed him when he can tolerate food and looks hungry. This can be little meals throughout the day. I am following his lead and I am hoping that we can find the right cocktail of meds so that the side effects are at a minimum. Sunny goes for scans next Thursday and we will have some understanding at that point the impact of the chemo. 

Wednesday, June 8, 2022

Wednesday, June 8, 2022

Tonight's picture was taken in June of 2009. Mattie was home between treatments and needing a sternotomy to remove tumors in his lungs. It was quite amazing that given all he was dealing with that he could smile, play, and even function. The average adult would be having a pity party in the corner, and it would be very understandable. But Mattie's courage, stamina, and love of life always came shining through even in the toughest hours. 

As you can see, our living and dining rooms were filled with car and train tracks. Our home was filled to capacity with all sort of things to keep Mattie busy. I will never forget those days, as Peter and I worked around the clock to be everything to Mattie.... doctor, nurse, therapist, teacher, parent, friend, and play companion. 

Quote of the day: No one is useless in this world who lightens the burdens of another. ~ Charles Dickens

What a beautiful quote by Charles Dickens! I never read it before, but I came upon it tonight and decided to include it on the blog. It is a reminder of the true importance in life. It is easy to forget this because we live in a world that evaluates us by certain measures, none of which involve providing care for another human being. 

I had a conference call today. All with working professionals. Naturally I got to hear what they are up to as well as hear about their summer plans. Once again in my life, I am faced with NOT being able to relate to others. When Mattie was ill and in treatment, I rarely interacted with the world. My world was the hospital and desperately finding a cure for Mattie's cancer. If it wasn't one of those two things, then it did not matter to me, and much of my life therefore fell by the wayside. 

Caring for my parents now, has many similarities. I very rarely do anything on my own. I can't plan a day, an outing, a lunch, etc, because my world is absorbed by my daily routine. It is hard not to feel depressed by this, to feel isolated, and frustrated. Some days I wonder how I did not crack up!

On top of everything else I have going on, Sunny is having a bad reaction to oral chemotherapy. He is listless, refuses to eat, and spends a good part of the day, hiding and sleeping. In essence this is NOT Sunny. The vet keeps implying that we just have to find the right pre-med drugs to give Sunny, so that he isn't wiped out by the chemo! Maybe, but the way I view it, is I can't handle ONE MORE THING. Since Sunny refuses eating, it is hard to get pills down him. But tonight I cooked turkey sausages and stuck pills inside the sausages. He ate it! Being creative and changing things up is important with a herding dog. They are smart and he is VERY suspicious of what we are feeding him now. For good reason, because whatever we are giving him from the vet is typically making him feel ill.