Monday, October 15, 2012Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2008. Mattie was in the hallway of the pediatric units participating in a chemistry club experiment. The Georgetown University Chemistry Club came to entertain and educate the kids on Fridays, and Mattie looked forward to these visits. The Club's president at the time was named, Chris, and Mattie and Chris got along splendidly. As you can see, Mattie was wearing a sock on his hand, to protect it so that he could hold and play with this giant bubble made out of dry ice and bubble solution. Mattie's face showed his fascination with the entire process.
Quote of the day: What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality. ~ Plutarch
I do think how we are feeling inwardly greatly impacts our exterior reality. I am physically not feeling great today, and this most definitely impacted my whole outlook for the day. I worked away on Foundation items this morning and then midday took a break. I went to visit one of my favorite stores, AC Moore, and began a craft project. Not anything that really needed to be done, but sometimes having such diversions are helpful and necessary. Of course as I go into AC Moore, I realize there are so many things in the store that would have appealed to Mattie. As a mom you get used to shopping for your child, and when Mattie was alive, I typically always picked him up a little something if I was out and about. It just was a natural thing to do, because I was thinking of him and enjoyed seeing his reaction to different items. With his creativity, he always found multiple ways to use whatever I brought home for him. In a way, it takes great discipline to shop now, because a part of me wants to pick out a Mattie item. But then I realize there would be no point to this. However, even shopping is a reminder of the loss Peter and I have to contend with on a daily basis.
Another aspect that I see within myself is my hesitation to buy anything for myself. I remember having this feeling soon after Mattie died. But that feeling has been resurrected again. I think after Mattie died I was too stunned to do anything, but now before I buy something I begin to think.... what is the point? To some extent whatever I have stays with me, or I should say dies with me, since it is not something that Mattie can use or that will get passed down to him. In many ways, our family line ends with Peter and I, and this is a humbling and scary notion. We all like to think that we leave a generation behind to carry on the traditions of one's family, and the reality of Mattie's loss has huge implications for us. Which is why on some days I absolutely need to turn to flowers and crafts, these are beautiful diversions needed to help me refocus and re-engage with others and the world around. In essence these things allow me to feel as if I am contributing to something bigger than myself.
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