Tonight's picture was taken in July of 2003. Mattie was in his book corner of our living room and he seemed to gravitate to this Sesame Street book which had flaps that opened. This may have been one of Mattie's favorite books initially. Mattie loved to look at photos of Elmo, a well known Sesame Street character. Mattie also loved Elmo's voice. Whenever Sesame Street was on TV, Mattie would stop in his tracks to watch Elmo. Mattie would multi-task through most of the other parts of the show, but not when Elmo was on!!!
Quote of the day: Hard is trying to rebuild yourself, piece by piece, with no instruction book, and no clue as to where all the important bits are supposed to go. ~ Nick Hornby
As I indicated in last night's blog posting, I was in a state and a funk from the car accident we had. However, my funk really wasn't about the accident itself, it was just a trigger to my much larger funk. After writing last night's blog, I then sent Peter a text message. I was upstairs on the computer and he was downstairs in his parent's living room. Mattie conditioned Peter and I to text message each other (so he did not have to hear us talk!), and therefore some habits are hard to break. I wrote to Peter that I wanted to go out for ice cream. Certainly there was ice cream in the house, but it was the notion of going out and trying to re-engage with the world which was important for me. Some people turn to alcohol or other drugs, I turn to ice cream and chocolate. These are my drugs of choice.
Later that evening, I received an email from Kristen, Mattie's oncologist and our friend. It was actually Kristen's email that turned my mood around. Kristen supported Peter and I through some of the worst times and through the hardest decisions in Mattie's care. Though Kristen is a medical doctor and HIGHLY professional, I could tell early on in our interactions that she was also human and had a compassion side to her. It was that side which I fell in love with and why in my opinion she is an outstanding oncologist. Last night she contacted me because she read the blog and wanted me to know she understood what I was trying to express and also appreciated why I needed time to disengage and not socialize with anyone. Kristen's message further verifies my feelings..... when someone else can listen, hear you, and understand you, it elicits a very powerful emotion. An emotion which makes you feel human, normal, and not out in left field. A field which I think most bereaved parents live in at times!!! Kristen did not need to write to me, she isn't our doctor anymore, she wants no funding from Mattie Miracle, and has no ulterior motives. She writes because she wants to and feels a bond with us. Which is why her message meant the world to me and I do believe as a medical professional she is walking through her own grief journey regarding the loss of Mattie.
This evening, Peter went to Logan Airport to pick up a rental car. We are driving this car home to DC tomorrow morning! We will leave Peter's car in Boston for a month in hopes that it can be reconstructed and operational again. Peter's Explorer holds many memories for us. We bought it when Mattie was two year's old and we drove it everywhere, especially on family vacations. It reminds me of Mattie, so leaving it behind in Boston, seems like we are not taking our entire family home with us. Sounds silly I am sure, since this is just a car. But it is a car with many memories and frankly when you lose your child to cancer, remembering and memories are sometimes the only things that keep you going.
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