Tonight's picture was taken on January 8, 2009. I will never forget that day! Mattie had a bone scan scheduled for that morning. You maybe asking.... how hard could a bone scan be??!! Well the answer is VERY HARD! In order to get the bone scan done effectively, the tech injected Mattie with a contrast, but the catch was once injected, Mattie had to stay STILL for an hour, so that the contrast could circulate around his body. Keep in mind that Mattie also had to do this while fasting, NO food or anything to drink from the night before. It was a recipe for disaster. Frankly I am not sure what was worse, the whole prep and waiting process, or watching the scan results on the screen, because I knew whatever lit up on the screen meant that it absorbed the contrast and was most likely cancerous (factoring out active bone growth at growth plates which will naturally light up). That particular day Linda (Mattie's child life specialist) made a deal with Mattie. If Mattie managed through the procedure and cooperated with Alex (the tech), we would treat him to a hibachi lunch at the hospital restaurant. Mattie got a kick out of watching a chef cut and cook food right in front of him, so he was motivated. He was also especially interested in going to lunch with Linda, Jenny (his art therapist), and our friend Ann.
Quote of the day: There are some questions that shouldn't be asked until a person is mature enough to appreciate the answers. ~ Anne Bishop
I have no idea what context Anne Bishop had in mind when she made this statement, but all I know is I relate to it quite well. Yesterday I went out to lunch with a friend. As I pulled up to the restaurant, I noticed a car behind me. Literally he stopped right behind me and when I turned around to park, he followed me as well. I made note of it but since I was going into the restaurant, it wasn't a safety concern for me. However, once in the restaurant, the man in the car behind me was also having lunch at the restaurant. He even stopped me at the front desk of the restaurant to ask me an INNOCENT question! He told me he noticed my St. Stephen's and St. Agnes school sticker on my car window. Again, all very innocent. His next question was also quite natural................ do you have a child who goes to St. Stephen's? How could such an innocent question be so complicated to answer? Or as Bishop's quote points out, maybe one shouldn't ask a question unless one is mature enough to appreciate whatever the response could be.
I remember MANY, MANY questions like this that were posed to me soon after Mattie died. They seemed to happen SO often during the that first year. Or maybe they seemed to happen frequently because the pain and grief were SO raw! I don't know. However after the first, somehow the questions stopped. Even from strangers! I am not sure what that means, do I not look like a mom now? Is that why I am no longer asked about whether I have a child or family?! I recall people asking me all the time in that first year, even for example the grocery store clerk. I remember while checking out at the super market, the clerk saw Mattie's photo in my wallet and said he was adorable and wanted to know his age. During the first year, depending upon how I was feeling that day, I would answer questions about Mattie differently. Sometimes I just let them go and did not answer and some times I simply was angry and confrontational and probably let a few people have it with my honesty. I was never mean spirited, but honest. Honesty can be hard to digest sometimes!
Now being four years since Mattie's death, I must admit that yesterday's question took me aback! Since the man who asked the question seemed like a nice fellow, who really just wanted me to know that he was a St. Stephen's graduate, I figured I would spare him the drama and the details of my life. Instead, I literally said to him, "my son used to go to St. Stephen's and yes it is a great school." He then went on to his lunch and of course I am still pondering his innocent question today. Answering questions is challenging for a grieving parent because with time, you learn two things..... first talking about one's loss and child helps regardless of how long it has been since the death occurred but second, others hearing about the loss of a child can produce all sorts of reactions. In fact, at times some of the reactions we hear can be so hurtful and insensitive that it prevents us from doing exactly what we need to do..... which is to remember our child with others.
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