Tonight's picture was taken in May of 2007. This photo actually is a follow up to the picture I posted on Saturday! It was taken in the same location, at one of Mattie's favorite restaurants in Maryland. As you can see it had a pond with turtles and fish right in front of the restaurant. We were posed for a photo while sitting on "Mattie's rock," as I call it. In fact we sat on this rock for many photos. Our Christmas photo of 2005 for example! Tonight's photo was from Mother's Day of 2007. Each time I go back to this restaurant and see this pond and this rock, I can't help but think of all our Mattie moments. But the mind has a way of playing funny tricks on you, because it seems like such a long time ago, in which I sometimes pause and wonder was I really Mattie's mom? I suppose writing about Mattie and talking about him each day on this blog keeps him very much alive for me, but what if there were no blog? It would be a problem, because there aren't daily reminders and conversations about Mattie happening otherwise.
Quote of the day: To be of good quality, you have to excuse yourself from the presence of shallow and callow minded individuals. ~ Michael Bassey Johnson
I had quite the unexpected phone call today! My home phone rang and I could see on my caller ID the name of the caller. I somewhat recognized the caller because I thought it was Mattie's play therapy practice that worked with him years ago. Way before Mattie developed cancer! During the years when we were struggling from the aftermath of Mattie's first preschool dismissal and with his sensory integration issues. For those of you who missed my previous explanation on the blog for why Mattie was dismissed from his first preschool, it is a long story. But it was a poor fit between Mattie and the school, and the director of the school in my opinion was not only unstable but she brought the worst out in Mattie. Therefore he responded accordingly. Mattie, when provoked, could dish out as good as he felt he received. As a result he literally bit the director and another child at the school.
Any case, back to my current story. The phone rang and it was the receptionist from the play therapy practice. She greeted me as Mrs. Brown and said she was calling to make a follow up appointment for Matthew. I basically told her I did not know what she was talking about and that I was sure she contacted me in error. She then said good-bye. Not two minutes later, she called me right back and again insisted she needed to make an appointment for Matthew! At that point, I gave it to her. What obviously happened is the office has another patient named Matthew Brown and she has confused the phone numbers..... but that is a huge mistake in my opinion. Now I am not sure what is more upsetting the fact that she called me twice insisting on making an appointment for Mattie, or that she has reminded me of the times I had coming to her office and all that Mattie and I achieved together prior to cancer, or perhaps what set me off is that she did not even know that her former patient died???????????? But I think what TRULY troubled me is once I explained to her that Mattie died (and they worked with him for over 6 months) and that I found her calls upsetting, she did not have much to say to me in return. I clearly caught her off guard and she was silent and couldn't wait to get me off the phone.
This phone call has remained with me all day. When Mattie died, I would like to think the whole world understood and felt this profound loss. That everyone who knew Mattie recognized that on September 8th he lost his life. But that isn't the case, there are still people in our lives who we come across who have no idea, and it is hard when you cross paths with these people. It reminds me of when I met someone recently who knew me from my university days. This person still thought I worked at the university. Where do you begin with these folks? How different my life is now from back then, and I wouldn't even know how to describe how I am or what I am doing now! I can't go back to my former days, and I wouldn't want to. I am a completely different person.
I just wonder, if the person on the other end of the phone today had been more human (and concerned about me), would I have felt different tonight? Naturally how she treated me, one way or the other, doesn't change my overall circumstances. That will be exactly the same! But I do think how we treat our fellow human beings make a huge difference to our quality of life. I also know that managing and coping with grief has a lot to do with the degree of support we receive from those around us. At least I would have felt heard and I would have known that she acknowledged this loss and was sorry to hear that a patient from their office died. Instead, I felt nothing! Which is not a good place to be in. Honestly, she should consider herself lucky that I am not feeling well and I have to conserve my mental energy to write this book chapter. Otherwise, the art of empathy and patient relations would be my next stop on my to do list with her supervisor.
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