Tonight's picture was taken in October of 2002. Mattie was six months old. Upon first glance this photo may look darling, cute, and cozy. But if you knew Mattie well then you knew he HATED being in his crib and especially lying flat. His pediatrician encouraged me to keep introducing him to his crib and to give him time in it, but time in his crib led to two things.... non-stop crying and vomiting. It was a horrible routine and Mattie could cry for quite some time. We only broke this crying habit when I deemed he was no longer an infant and I could begin to rationalize with him, which had to be around 16 months of age. But until we got to that stage, we had some fascinating nights, or lack there of, of sleep!
Quote of the day: You must learn some of my philosophy. Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure. ~ Jane Austen
As this is Mattie's blog, I typically reflect on the loss of Mattie and the impact this tragedy has on my life. Yet today marks the 21st anniversary of my maternal grandmother's death. When I was in college my grandmother suffered a massive stroke which left her partially paralyzed on her left side. Now some people maybe saying.... well that is terrible to hear but at least that wasn't one of Vicki's parents. This is indeed true, except when someone tells you about a loved one who is ill or just died, you really need to first assess how close these individuals were to one another. In my case, I was very close to my grandmother. She lived in the same house with me and my parents and at times I viewed her as a second mom, or even as a sibling. So her illness and death are significant to me and transformed my life.
The stroke transformed my grandmother physically. She could no longer walk, feed, dress, toilet herself, or meet any of her activities of daily living. In addition, she couldn't concentrate on anything, therefore she couldn't watch TV, read, hold a conversation, and forget about swallowing anything. All of these things were impaired by her stroke. Initially after hospitalization my grandmother lived in our home for a year. Our home literally was transformed into a hospital and with that, people were too scared to visit us. My mom became my grandmother's primary caregiver but given the severity of my grandmother's health needs and the intensity of the care provided for over a year, my mom became gravely ill and landed up in the ICU for weeks. I distinctly recall the ICU nurse telling me that my mom's body was shutting down with sepsis and that she could die. It was at that point my grandmother was placed into a nursing home. Both my mom and grandmother needed care. Needless to say, from my family experience it is no wonder that when I entered graduate school, my focus became gerontological counseling and my dissertation focused on the stresses of caregiving.
My grandmother and I were very close to one another. When she died, I was living in Boston, going to graduate school. Twenty one years ago today, on the morning that she died, I was sleeping. In my dream I can still recall be given a big bouquet of red roses. As I went to receive the roses in my arms to admire them, all the petals from the roses literally fell right off of them. I was left with only the stems and the petals were all on the ground at my feet. As I was watching this in my dream, I was forced into consciousness because my telephone was ringing. In my stupor when I answered the phone, my mom was on the other end of the line to tell me that my grandmother had just died. When she told me, I wasn't surprised because in my dream the dead roses were my sign from my grandmother that she died.
My grandmother's personality was very needed in our household. Mainly because we are all very fiery in temperament. My grandmother in many ways was soft spoken, gentle, very kind, thoughtful, an excellent cook, very family focused (family came before her needs, which maybe part generational, but I suspect partly that was just who she was), and she loved animals and seemed to be nurturing every animal that found its way to our doorstep. My grandmother never graduated from high school, but honestly you could never tell. She was very bright, an avid reader, she loved to travel, people loved her, and I particularly found it hysterical that she could sit down in front of a piano and play despite the fact that she couldn't read music.
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